White. Black. Crimson. Black.

Crimson. Velvet. Crushed. Snow. Feathers. Drops of blood. Raven. Frosty eyelashes. A biting cold. Blushing cheeks. Black eyes. Footstep. A lavender ribbon. Flowing in the wind. Gemstones glistening.

The sun is setting. A vision of white. A silhouette marred by the sharp black lines of trees. Stretching up to the sky. Reaching. Looming. Silence is interrupted by the sound of feet hitting the ground. Running. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. The frosty white, glistening like a gemstone, but giving away like cotton. A blurry vision of velvet in crimson. A girl moving. Her panting echoes through the woods. She stops, turning her black eyes towards the sky. Her cheeks are rose-stained, eyelashes stiff with frost, and the cold is biting. But she doesn’t care. Drip. Drip. Drip. A small pool of red gathers beneath her. The crimson smears forming a trace. She looks at the path, red staining white, and gives a deep sigh. The whole forest shakes with her release of breath, and everything settles. Silence once more. A flash through her eyes. A fleeting moment of clarity. The girl holds up her hand and examines the ribbon hanging from between her fingers. Immaculate satin. The girl starts running once again, with the white flowing behind her. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. A flapping of wings can be heard from a distance. The girl quickens her pace, ignoring the numbing sensation on her face. A velvet dress, the eyes of a lost girl, and a satin ribbon can be seen, moving in a blur. Crimson. Black. White. In a remote, but not all too remote, distance – a feather hits the ground. The black feather of a raven lands on top of the pool of blood. A raven’s feather, a lost girl’s blood, and the snow. Black. Crimson. White.

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Innocence.

Static.

I hear the buzz in my ears and my breath hitches. I drop everything and just lay my head back, eyes closed. The soothing strumming of a guitar fills my ears and a feeling of calmness washes over me. My heart stirrs and a warmth courses through my body. The source, small but forceful, in my core.

Drums.

The steady beat kicks in, willing my heart to match its rhythm. Beckoning me to lose myself in it completely. Simultaneously, the strings come in, rocking me back and forth. Each stroke a pull toward a different untangible direction.

Faster.

The tempo increases, sending small shocks coursing through my veins. Sparks going until they reach my fingertips and toes, leaving a buzzing sensation. The tone changes, going from lulling to exciting. Filling me with an indescribable emotion.

Words.

The raspy voice sings words of desperation. Tugging at my insides, making me want to speak words I am not aware of. Every word vein imprinted with on every inch on my body. With ink, invisible to everyone but myself. Making my feel it in my bones, my bones, my bones. My blood, my blood, my blood.

Oh my God.

(The Airborne Toxic Event – Innocence)

Haunted.

The moment when I close my eyes and fall onto my bed, letting out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding for the entire day. When I feel the actual physical pain in my ribs, letting go hurting more than holding it in my lungs.

Letting every inkling of a thought I’ve had during the day come crashing down on me with full force. Feeling the callous winds whip at my skin, beating me mercilessly. Feeling my fingers twitch, trying to channel the pain.

Blasphemy.

Feeling my brain being tortured by black, malicious things. Breaths becoming more shallow, cold sweat breaking out, thrashing around in bed as the darkness tries to encompass me. I desperately try to find something good, to distract myself. Attempts in futility. The shadows engulf me and drag me deeper and deeper. I claw at the hint of light, a mere dot in the great nothingness. Eventually, I grow tired. Exhausted.

I give up.

Fists unclench. My body, having been so tense, goes completely limp. I succumb to the darkness. I feel a million dark figures going through my head at once, crashing into each other. I let it take over completely, taking the hits in silence. No use in fighting it. I just suffer, feeling the tears stream down my face. The dark figures, creating chaos inside me, roam freely, seemingly without a goal. Eventually, I feel it.

A change.

The crashes don’t come with with the same speed. With the same force. With the same frequency. The storm is calming. As I feel the figures going up in smoke, one by one, I start to feel the hint of hope. One or two white figures enter my mind. Soaring. Elegantly twirling around, trying to mend the damaged battlefield. At the sight of the white figures, the shadows cower, getting smaller and smaller, until they disappear completely. The white figures leave traces of light, clearing the polluted air. Once filled with sulfur and smog, it is now completely clear. Luminescent.

As I feel the peace fill me, I flutter my eyes open. Through the curtains of my window, I see a sliver of sun light. I listen closely, and hear the faint chirping of birds. I realize that I’ve made it through another fight. And even though I know it won’t be long until the black demons come back, an army of shadows that’s bigger and stronger, knocking at my mental door. When will my white force of hope give up?

Nevermore.

Morning in the blue monster.

Face down, I’m immersed in an unsettling storytelling that leaves me on edge. Frighteningly intrigued.  The old, blue monster is giving out a mechanical laugh as it passes stop after stop, only halting to let the humans get to the desired destinations. Not having a final destination itself. The monster laughs at the soulless beings for being so caught up in getting where they want that they don’t stop and see what’s around them. It is a loud laugh. A sad laugh. I sit inside the blue, destinationless monster. Immersed in my book, not minding the mechanical sound or the hushed speaking in foreign tongue of the asian woman on the phone in front of me. I’m at a particularly unsettling part of my book when the sudden laugh of a child startles me. Already being on edge, the irregular sound makes me flinch in surprise. Looking up, I suddenly remember my surroundings. I see people around me, all in the same space, but in different worlds entirely. I look out the window, riding backwards as the scenery passes me in a velocity that is too low to make the images blur, but too high for me to decipher anything specific. I am blind to what’s coming ahead, only seeing what has already passed. When we reach my stop, I remember what’s waiting for me at my destination. My stomach clenches as I feel the anxiety creeping in from my sides, settling in the depths of my core. As the old doors open, I take a deep breath, stand up, and walk out of the old, blue, destinationless monster. Hearing only a loud, mechanic laugh behind me, becoming more and more faint as I walk towards my destination. Preparing to face my demons.

Survival of the fittest.

Hello,

we’ve been talking a lot about evolution in school these past couple of days. Discussions about morals, ethics, science, religion, the meaning of life etc. The (vast) majority of my class are strict believers in evolution. They praise Darwin and take every opportunity they get to point out that we are nothing but animals. Superior to all other animals, but animals none the less. I myself take a different approach to all of this. I consider myself a religious person, in my definition of the word, but I guess most people would call it spiritual if I just explained the practicalities of my faith. I’m catholic, but I don’t take the Bible in a literal sense as the conventional christian would. I choose to focus on the messages the stories in the Bible, and not necessarily the actual content. So I believe that the creatures that’s on earth right now have evolved from species that existed a long time ago. Evolution, I guess. But I still have my doubts, not just about the theory itself, but what it would mean.

One of my thoughts regarding this is a short one. We were discussing the human being’s selfishness in class, and people kept mentioning that it’s in our nature and that it’s been like since the beginning of time. Animals have to fight for survival, and therefore, they prioritize themselves. That got me wondering. Animals are selfish because they have to, and we did too, once, but our society have changed – so, why shouldn’t our instincts as well? I mean, we’re pretty much reliant on each other now, so why should we automatically want to have everything for ourselves? Isn’t that the whole point of the evolution, to adapt to the current situation. Our lifestyles have changed so much, in my opinion, it would just be reasonable if our essence as human beings would too.

Another thought I had was about the future of the human population. The whole survival of the fittest ordeal is about the best adapted individuals to survive, right? In our society, that would probably be about intellect. The smart people out there should survive, and make a better world, while the people with lower IQ’s would just fall by the waste side. Of course, this isn’t the case according to the standards today. But in a way, they kind of are. The smart people compete with the not so smart ones, because that’s what all people do, and in most cases, the smart ones win. The people without education have to struggle to find end’s meat while the doctors and lawyers of the world live in financially stable homes. This also gives the smart people a bigger advantage when it comes to producing off-spring. It’s easier for them to raise a “good” kid, that’s healthy and gets a proper education, who can continue to mate and help the human race live on, than it would for someone who can barely afford to pay rent. After I thought about this, I thought that it can’t be like this, because the people with lower IQ’s wouldn’t be eliminated. But then I thought some more. I consider myself a pretty smart person, and I know for a fact, that I’m a thousand times more attracted to someone if he’s intelligent as well. I’ve always thought that it’s because I like to conversate with someone who’s on the same wave-length as me, or even higher, that I like the challenge. But now that I think about it, it could just be my “make” that makes me feel attracted to a smart person so that we could produce off-spring that would have a bigger chance to survive in this world than a “stupid” person. Then I thought further, my friends that struggle in school all have boyfriends that struggle in school as well, one of them has said that she doesn’t click with smart boys, and prefers the simplicity of a “dumb” boy. That kind of scares me. What if that is the way it’s going to be? All the intelligent people pair up and the less intelligent people pair up, and eventually the latter doesn’t “happen” very often. Then we’ll have this super society with a bunch of intellectuals. It sounds good, but I think we really need the diversity. Sometimes, the people who don’t fill the criteria for the conventional definition of being intellectual know better than those who do. It’s when you have a mix that things work out best.

Love & subways

I told you to be patient. I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced. I told you to be kind…

Just sitting here. Sitting in my black and white room, with little spots of red. It’s mostly white though. Sitting here at my desk, studying physics. Studying physics and listening to Bon Iver, whose music is lulling enough to calm even the most destructive of storms. Listening to Bon Iver on my blue iPod, with the feeling of winding down after the chaos. With the feeling that the calm is coming…the calm before the storm. Just sitting here, calculating intensities, forces, angles, periods, velocities and wavelengths. Calculating, trying to study matter and its motion through space-time. Trying to get some answers, understand why things are the way they are. Listening to Bon Iver and realizing that what I really want to understand is what way things are going to be. Sitting here in my mostly white room, accepting the fact that I can’t. Just sitting, thinking that it’s okay. I am content.

Love & Turqoise sweaters

Dark, shattered thoughts

Darkness is pulling me down, down
Reminders of misery knock on my door
they pound, they pound
Effecting me greatly, shaking my core
Breathe in, breathe out
A thousand sharp knives impale,
stab in the heart and make me shout
Futily resisting the crimson trail
A hand of evil pressing down on my chest
Letter from Death, unwanted guest
Mind feeling heavy, heavy as lead
Feel a chill in my bones, unsettled
Inevitable pain, vision red
Feeling angered, sorrowed, nettled
Thoughts are jumbled, soul is torn
Cling to love, my surroundings adorn