Back to Phreckles…and school.

An auditorium. Students streaming in through the doors, bringing with them excited noise and an air of anticipation. Me and my friend are sitting on a nearly empty bench, alone and exposed – an intentional position on my part. As the benches start to fill up, my friend murmurs observations about our returned school mates, but I’m barely listening. My eyes are trained on the door on the right, an unconscious exclusion of where it might happen. I am waiting. Waiting for the only thing I have looked forward to on this day.

As the time passes, I grow more and more frustrated. But it is a feeling muddled with fond amusement. Being late is so typical for him, and it’s a part of him I’ve grown to love. Seeing him enter quietly, pulling off his headphones with his eyes trained on the floor and the red hues of his hair glistening in the harsh fluorescents, bringing a warmth I didn’t know the lights could possess. Glancing up quickly to spot the seats that have remained vacant. I have from time to time made sure that the seat next to me is one of them. In the beginning of class, I live for those moments.

But not now. It might be okay for me to wait for you when I just saw you, less than an hour ago, but not when I’ve waited ten weeks. That is enough. Along with my frustration, I feel something else. Something I can’t really put my finger on. I feel the rate of my heart speed up and grow more frantic as I wait. What is it I am feeling? Anticipation? Nervosity? Anxiousness? Probably all of the above. But then it all dissipates.

He enters through the right door, and walks into the room, just like he always does, and I can’t keep myself from smiling. Gone is the feeling of crawling in my skin, and the rapid beating in my chest feels exactly right. I feel a soft fluttering in my stomach, and I finally understand what people mean when they talk about butterflies. I can very clearly feel the delicate flapping of a thousand wings, making me feel as light as a feather. When he takes his seat and is obscured from my view, I feel my face settle into a frown, and I try to comfort myself by thinking that I will see him again soon.

The events repeat themselves a while later when I sit in the classroom, waiting for him, once again, to make an entrance. When he does, I get the same feeling, but this time, my apparent happiness is caught by him. He smiles at me and I can feel the corners of my lips drawing further up my cheeks. I think: Oh, if you only knew how much you do with just a smile.

After the, incredibly dull, run-through of what our last high school year will entail, I go to the school office to wait for my friend, who went earlier to talk to the principal. When I get there, I see that there is a long line outside. I stop and think: “Great.” Then I remember that there are some seats just outside the door. I stand on the tip of my toes and stretch to see above the heads of the students. The seats are empty. Bingo. I squeeze my way past the line, looking down and practically chanting “excuse me”. On my way, I see a very familiar pair of Vans, but ignore that observation for the sake of my…well, sanity. I plop down on the sofa and let out a light sigh, looking up mindlessly. There he is.

He’s standing in line with a girl from class, one of the few people I actually think are pretty cool. Not in this moment though. “Uhm, we’re in line.” Excuse me? I mean, sure, she seems to genuinely want to let me know, but I have eyes that can see, Missy. I’m sure even the blind would notice the line forming, if nothing then by crashing into it on the way to…wherever. Without a thought, I reply: “Well, I’m not.” I say this with a little smirk, and feel my smugness grow as I see the embarrassed look on her face. She lets out a little laugh and I smile to let her know that it’s okay…just don’t try to make me look bad again. Her reaction doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is the, very genuine and not embarrassed in the least, laugh that he lets out. He laughs and laughs and at first, I’m puzzled, but can’t help joining in. We share a little look before my friend comes out from the principal’s office and we leave.

Now I’m left wondering what exactly it was that he found so funny, and the big question – what will happen? I at least know that if nothing else, my thoughts of Phreckles will keep me occupied this year. I think we’re off to a decent start, don’t you?

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You must have lost your wits, yeah.

Tune of the day CXLIII.

School starts the day after tomorrow. I have zero expectations, and stronger feelings about the shoes I’m buying come pay-check – stoked as beep. I’ll probably blog more, because apparently, even though my life gets killed by school, my thoughts flourish. Kind of like fertilizer, it makes my mind grow…but when it comes down to it, it’s still shit. Ha ha.

This song is awesome, I just recently discovered the band. I’m really glad I did. The lyrics are a little relevant. Or a lot.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You’d better run, better run, faster than my bullet

Rebel rendevouz.

A short one (but not really now that I’ve written it).

I thoughtlessly walk down the science majors’ hall, to a man in his mid-twenties. The man has coiffed, black hair, and is wearing a jean shirt, black jeans and black cons. Though he has his shirt sleeves rolled up, his arms are covered by another kind of sleeves. Vibrant colors, intricate patterns weave through each other to form beautiful motives. His tattoos mesmerize me. I realize that they are the reason for me approaching him in the first place. The vague sight of color hypnotized me. The man gives me a surprised smile and I ask him about the ink, not caring about the fact that I don’t know him at all. We chat for bit, with a generous amount of flirting, until the bell rings. Apparenty, he has some kind of task in a different part of school, and we have to part ways. On the way to the classroom I’m met with whispers that run through the crowd of studens lining up along the hall. It’s considered scandalous for a student to interact with one of the older guys, but I don’t seem to care. I am late to class, but still running with the rebel thing, so I cockily strut around the tables to my seat in the far back. The burning stares of the students only feed my attitude, and the only thing that causes me to react is someone humming the melody to “I Fell in Love With a Girl”, by the White Stripes, and when I turn my head to the source of the sound, I see the tattooed man sitting there. I don’t show my surprise, instead choosing to throw a flirty smirk his way. After I’ve sat down, I discreetly sneak a glance at him, trying to be nonchalant, and see him stand up. He walks up to me and leans in to whisper something. I put my hand on his neck, but quickly take it back. His skin feels like it’s on fire. I check my hand, but nothing is different. He tells me to meet him in the gazebo after sundown, and then just walks away. With the sound of the teacher scolding someone in the background, I ponder which gazebo he could be talking about. A light switch flips. I get an image of a beautiful white gazebo in my head, wrapped in tiny, white lights and surrounded by lilies. I smile to myself, thinking that I shouldn’t be surprised that he knows about that place. The bell rings us out, indicating the end of the day…

And then I wake up.

Girl with a crush.

Hello loves,

Yeah, so I just want to warn you before we start, this post will probably seem silly to you. Succy, my dear friend, is in living it up in Poland at the moment, and since I usually just text her as soon as something worth mentioning happens, I’m just going to write it here.

See Succy, I told you I wouldn’t be able to survive without my inane text ranting.

Alright, so if this was a fanfic, this scenario would probably be described as me “gushing about” or “fawning over” a certain someone. That’s right boys and girls, I’m talking about Phreckles.

So, today we had this group thing in class. We were supposed to discuss the similarities and differences between the Age of Enlightenment and the Romantic Era. So me and Phreckles were in the same group and oh my freaking God, it was wonderful. He’d put his books on the window sill outside of the classroom before he left somewhere unknown, so I brought them in for him. I put his books on the desk next to mine, intentionally yes, so we ended up sitting next to each other. The five of us (who were in the group) had our discussion, and I made sure to bring my A-game. Not just because Phreckles was in the group, but I want to show that I’m smart too, you know? I spent entire sophomore year being quiet. I’m done with that shit. Anyways, so I took the opportunity to look at Phreckles when I talked, and when he talked, a couple of minutes when he wasn’t looking, to stare, and allowed our elbows to brush every once in a while. And holy crap, I’ve never been so close to him, so I’ve never really seen him so up close. I’m writing stupid sentences, because there’s so much I want to say, my typing can’t keep up with my thoughts. His jaw line. Oh my God Succy, his jaw line. And his freckles. And his kind of shy, but not really, smile. And his eyelashes. They’re light and long and when he blinks, it’s like a butterfly batting its wings. Uhm, but in a manly way (I feel bad for expressing it so lamely). And the hair. The freaking hair. To sit so close that you can actually see each nuance. He’s such a lovely ginger. Oh my God I hate myself right now, I’m so cheesy. Anyways, so that was lovely. But then, I surprised myself. We had a Chemistry exam like two classes later, and before Math, I noticed that he was kind of walking behind me in the hallways. So I slowed down a tad, turned around and actually talked to him! Succy, you should be proud. Granted, I just asked him how he felt about the exam, but it was hella scary to start talking to him nonetheless. He was being all charming and Phreckly, and I swooned. I was feeling kinda happy about myself, but apparently, I wasn’t done. After the exams, I was hanging out at some friends’ lockers, and that’s where his locker is too. And then he came to get his stuff, he got off school then (I didn’t, ’cause I have stupid Spanish class ’til like four every friday), so I mustered up the courage and approached him. Oh my God, I had to crane my neck a bit because he’s so tall, and he’s so gangly and handsome and cute and so, so, so lovely. I asked how it went, he said something charming and Phreckly again, and I swooned…again. I wished him a nice weekend and strolled off, even happier about myself. So yeah, three encounters in one day. I probably overdid it a bit, but I don’t really care. I’d rather have too much than nothing at all. I want to make him see. Oh wow, it was so lovely. Oh, and the group thing continues on Monday, and maybe even ’til friday. I’m going to make sure that I seize every moment and take advantage of every opportunity I get.

Yeah, so Succ, you can stop squeeing now. Cheesy, girly moment over.

Love & black lace

P.S. I just realized that I’ve probably never written the phrase “Oh my God” in one post as many times as I just did. Forgive me Father, for taking thy name in vain. No, I’m not being serious. God loves me. Obviously.

EDIT: Apparently, the cheesy moment isn’t over. I just remembered something. He streched his arms above his head and his shirt rode up. My mind turned to mush in that moment. On the right side of the (very pale) sliver of skin, there was a pink line. The scar after having his appendix removed. I have my own appendix scar, but for some reason, it doesn’t look nearly as adorable as his does. Hmm, I wonder why…

Flirts and skins.

Hello,

turned in my health report a couple of hours ago, and the relief was immense. This leaves me with one burden less to think about. Of course, I’ll probably gain ten more tomorrow, but I don’t have to worry about that until later. My very eventful night has consisted of finishing the first series of Skins. The UK version, of course. I was a bit sceptic at first, just because it didn’t strike me as a show of much depth. I quickly realized that I was wrong. It’s brilliant. Truly brilliant. I look forward to watching the following, fortunately several, series.

This was kind of a Phreckles day. We were using the computers in class, working on our biology reports (see, already another burden), and a friend had chosen to write about the sexual behavior of different animals. She was reading an article about flirting and left the computer. I went over to see was she was looking at and just cracked up laughing when I read the cheesy shit that was written. People asked me what I was laughing at so I decided to read an excerpt out loud. It had to do with playing with your hair and, my personal favorite, looking behind you and giving the object of your desire a flirtatious smile. Yes, all those clichés. So I look across the classroom, the desks are facing each other in a weird way, and see Phreckles smiling at me. Naturally, I feel embarrassed and look down smiling. For some reason, I was smiling and twirling my hair to myself the rest of that lesson. I wonder why.

Second part of the Phreckles day was that I suddenly, an hour ago or so, felt my fingers itching. I got this, unsettlingly strong, urge to call him. To just find his number some (stalkerish) way and call him. Then my mind caught up with my racing heart and reminded me that I’d just sit there with the phone to my ear, hearing him saying “Hello? Hello?” Just sitting there, silent. Which would be creepy and, again, stalkerish. So I dropped that idea pretty quickly. Still, it would be nice. Maybe some day? Possibly? Hopefully.

Love & zombies

Close your eyes to corral a virtue, is this fooling anyone else?

Never worked so long and hard to cement a failure…

Hello poppets,

just doing some quick blogging. I just wasted another evening studying and after that, I decided to see just exactly how much I have going on these days. I have reached the conclusion that I have at least one important task in literally every subject, I just ask myself what I ask every time school throws something flabbergasting at me: is this even legal? Something that surprises me, and if I’m being honest, kind of amazes me, is how school always manages to trump itself with every assignment. It’s so overwhelming that I almost laugh. Almost. What worries me a bit is the fact that I’m not ready to crawl under a rock yet. It’s like I see the mountain of work I have ahead of me, and I pity myself. I sympathize with myself, when I clearly should be empathizing…considering I’m the one who should be having the feeling in the first place. And by saying this, I don’t mean that fretting over studying is the right thing to do, it’s just that I know myself, and this is exactly the kind of thing that would make me all emo. I’m worried for myself. So it’s kind of the right feeling, but for the wrong reason. Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe I should just enjoy being chill. I’m just scared that it’ll all come crashing down at once. I really don’t want to have an anxiety attack, especially when I need my brain the most. Oh well, I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Tune of the day, a song that I’ve underestimated in the past, I was studying for a Spanish test when it came on shuffle and the intro kinda overthrew me. Not that the intro itself is so extraordinary, but I just wasn’t expecting hearing this song I didn’t even remember having. It was definitely a wow-moment.

We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely is such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,

And still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it’s growing.

Love & nebulas

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

I feel like I’m losing my spark. It’s devastating. It’s not even that I’m feeling down, though that would be preferable. I just feel myself becoming…off.  With every day that passes, I feel myself getting grayer. Like a washed out version of myself. It’s scary, because I don’t know how to stop it. I know school is a big reason, I fill my life with routines and eventually, I’ll just go into an automatic mode where my mind doesn’t have to be present for my body to go through the motions. I guess I have to fill every free second I get with things that I enjoy. It’s just hard, because ever moment I don’t have everything to do, I either think about the things I will have to do, or I’m too exhausted to think at all. Too tired to do anything. I don’t know. I just know it’s a bit of a crucial situation, because it’s only been a week since school started, and I already feel fucked up. I need to find a solution. And fast. I need my spark back.

Tune of the day, because it was playing in the background while I was reading Scott Pilgrim – Precious Little Life, one of the, very meaningful, gifts I received from my dear friend, Succumb, desperately trying to get my groove back. It kind of worked. Fleetingly. But it’s mainly because it feels right. It just fits.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.
Now you’re all gone got your make-up on and you’re not coming back.