The moment when I close my eyes and fall onto my bed, letting out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding for the entire day. When I feel the actual physical pain in my ribs, letting go hurting more than holding it in my lungs.

Letting every inkling of a thought I’ve had during the day come crashing down on me with full force. Feeling the callous winds whip at my skin, beating me mercilessly. Feeling my fingers twitch, trying to channel the pain.


Feeling my brain being tortured by black, malicious things. Breaths becoming more shallow, cold sweat breaking out, thrashing around in bed as the darkness tries to encompass me. I desperately try to find something good, to distract myself. Attempts in futility. The shadows engulf me and drag me deeper and deeper. I claw at the hint of light, a mere dot in the great nothingness. Eventually, I grow tired. Exhausted.

I give up.

Fists unclench. My body, having been so tense, goes completely limp. I succumb to the darkness. I feel a million dark figures going through my head at once, crashing into each other. I let it take over completely, taking the hits in silence. No use in fighting it. I just suffer, feeling the tears stream down my face. The dark figures, creating chaos inside me, roam freely, seemingly without a goal. Eventually, I feel it.

A change.

The crashes don’t come with with the same speed. With the same force. With the same frequency. The storm is calming. As I feel the figures going up in smoke, one by one, I start to feel the hint of hope. One or two white figures enter my mind. Soaring. Elegantly twirling around, trying to mend the damaged battlefield. At the sight of the white figures, the shadows cower, getting smaller and smaller, until they disappear completely. The white figures leave traces of light, clearing the polluted air. Once filled with sulfur and smog, it is now completely clear. Luminescent.

As I feel the peace fill me, I flutter my eyes open. Through the curtains of my window, I see a sliver of sun light. I listen closely, and hear the faint chirping of birds. I realize that I’ve made it through another fight. And even though I know it won’t be long until the black demons come back, an army of shadows that’s bigger and stronger, knocking at my mental door. When will my white force of hope give up?


Morning in the blue monster.

Face down, I’m immersed in an unsettling storytelling that leaves me on edge. Frighteningly intrigued.  The old, blue monster is giving out a mechanical laugh as it passes stop after stop, only halting to let the humans get to the desired destinations. Not having a final destination itself. The monster laughs at the soulless beings for being so caught up in getting where they want that they don’t stop and see what’s around them. It is a loud laugh. A sad laugh. I sit inside the blue, destinationless monster. Immersed in my book, not minding the mechanical sound or the hushed speaking in foreign tongue of the asian woman on the phone in front of me. I’m at a particularly unsettling part of my book when the sudden laugh of a child startles me. Already being on edge, the irregular sound makes me flinch in surprise. Looking up, I suddenly remember my surroundings. I see people around me, all in the same space, but in different worlds entirely. I look out the window, riding backwards as the scenery passes me in a velocity that is too low to make the images blur, but too high for me to decipher anything specific. I am blind to what’s coming ahead, only seeing what has already passed. When we reach my stop, I remember what’s waiting for me at my destination. My stomach clenches as I feel the anxiety creeping in from my sides, settling in the depths of my core. As the old doors open, I take a deep breath, stand up, and walk out of the old, blue, destinationless monster. Hearing only a loud, mechanic laugh behind me, becoming more and more faint as I walk towards my destination. Preparing to face my demons.