I’m out there, look for my traces.

Hello friends,

Lately, I’ve noticed something about myself that I never really realized before. I often find myself leaving things of mine in random places. Not possessions, but just…marks, or something. I scribble thoughts, quotes, song lyrics, or just doodles in whatever place I can without getting caught. The school has a lot more feathers these days. These past few months, I’ve taken it to a new level. Commenting blogposts, leaving asks on tumblr, and even leaving letters in books I’ve borrowed. Just now, I asked myself: why?

Is it because I’m lonely and desperately crave some form of communication with people?

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot. I just want to talk to people. Maybe find someone like me. Here in cyberspace, people tend to be more open and honest, myself as a good example. People show who they really are, and that kind of gives me hope. There are people of substance out there, and I guess I’m just kind of starved of enjoyable interaction. So I reach out, in a very farfetched manner, I know, to see if anyone takes the bait. If anyone sees this little piece of me and wants to know more. Sad, but the truth.

Is it because I want to make someone’s life a little more exciting?

This is definitely a big part of it. I want to make people happy. I really do. When I write in someone’s askbox on tumblr, I write what’s truly on my mind. And every time, I’ve gotten this really appreciative response, because it’s so unexpected. When I read the response, my heart fills with happiness. It warms me to know that I’ve just made someone’s life a little better, even if it’s just temporary. And also, I would love to have that happen to me. To know that someone’s reaching out, letting me in to a tiny part of their head. That would be awesome. As you can tell, I’m essentially thinking of myself. Making someone happy makes me happy. And I love to be happy.

Is it because I’m scared of being forgotten?

I have two big fears – conflicts, and becoming irrelevant. It terrifies me to know that after I leave this life, all evidence of my existence could be erased. After I’m gone, what’s to say that I even lived in the first place? There’s a chance that I won’t even remember it, so is it real? These thought were recently spurred by my re-reading of Looking for Alaska, by John Green. That’s one of the books that now has a letter, written by me, in it. I really hope that existence can be explained as in the book, that we all consist of energy that was never created, and therefore can’t cease to exist. Anyways, I’m leaving marks so I can make as big of an impact on the world as possible…within reasonable limits. I just want to be remembered. That’s all.

I think it’s a combination of all of these, but ultimately – I’m just being selfish. Which made me think of altruism, as discussed in biology. The theory that every action has a selfish purpose. At first, I just couldn’t believe that there isn’t anything we do, solely to help each other. Then I though about it some more, and came to my own little revelation. We can’t just see it as generosity and selfishness, because both is one. They’re co-dependent, and together, the qualities works for the best for mankind. If you think about the whole universe as one, every selfish act is done for the entire population. I serve mankind, and mankind serves me, because we’re all part of the same thing. Enter the energy equation. Every single person is important, because we all, every single one of us, make up this world. And therefore, we are all essential to its existence. This whole universe thing is greater than each of us, but it consists of us all together. Our true essence, has not been created, and can’t be destroyed. This is the theory I choose to believe in, because it makes sense to me. And honestly, it gives me so much hope.

You know, I kinda love my life. Not for everything it is, but for everything it could be.

Text from Phemy to Succy, 4.38 pm

 

And don’t you forget

Life is like a super-mega-über-deluxe version of Chronon

So, I was thinking about everything and nothing, same ol’ same ol’, the other day and I came up with a theory…about life. DUN DUN DUUUN. Anyways, I think that life is like a humongous game. Now, don’t start rolling your eyes at me yet, I don’t mean any game. I mean like one of those games where you have to do a shitload of things in a certain order and if you do everything just right, something awesome will happen. Have you ever played a game called Chronon? You’re supposed to click certain things in a certain order at different time sets in, like, a…creature’s house and at the end, turns out it’s his birthday. If you’ve done everything right, he gets a cake. Funny creature. Anyways, it’s really complicated, and I mean really complicated. I think that every person’s life is like a Chronon and all of our Chronons intertwine to form the Ultimate Chronon or something. The cake is us, at the end of our lives, actually having lived to our full potential and being satisfied with how we’ve turned out. And in the game, even if you don’t succeed in making the cake, you can still have done pretty good, I mean the creature cries or something but whatever, but you can also fail miserably. That’s exactly how it is in real life, most of us do okay and many just go down the drain. Hardly anyone manages to make the cake and hey, let’s be real here, hardly anyone will probably reach “nirvana” or whatever. That’s the kinda sad part though, I couldn’t win the game no matter how hard I tried and even though I got pretty far, I just couldn’t let go of the fact that there was something better that could be achieved. So I cheated. I googled it and found a step-by-step run-through of how to win the game. How did you think it felt when I saw that creature smiling? It didn’t feel good at all, knowing that I just phonied my way through with the help of someone who actually did it all by him- or herself. That’s the way it is with life too, we’re greedy and always want the best, which can be good, but then we get so desperate we start faking ourselves through it. Then, when we reach the top, we realize it’s stolen. We don’t feel satisfied at all, instead we feel empty. I mean, who knows? I might have been able to make that goddamn cake after that 323494 try. Now I’ll never know.

You can play Chronon here. I’m warning you though, it’s a real brain tickler and will probably take you a while. Very challenging. Ofc, some people love a good challenge, like yours truly.

Tune of the day, simply because it sounds like it belongs in a game, which is never wrong:

The Postal Service – Brand New Colony

Love & Grapes

Ahh… (Yes, I know I am very eloquent and draw you in with my words)

So, I’m not dead. Not that anyone cares, but I’d just like to say that. I haven’t blogged (here) in what feels like ages, and that’s because…I haven’t had anything to write. Not that nothing’s happened in my life, believe me, it has, but I’ve just never felt the urge to put it here. Which makes me sad, now that I think about it. I just spent the last hour reading all my old posts and realized I have something special here. I’ve never done anything like this before, written exactly what’s in my head. I never had a diary…well, I’ve had several diaries, but let’s just say they’re mostly filled with nothing. I think the reason of my failed attempts is that I didn’t really feel it had a purpose. To write my thoughts in a book, I mean. What’s the point of writing the things that are in my head and reading them? It’s not like there’s going to be anything I didn’t already know in them. I know you’re supposed to look back and remember things or whatever, but it just felt kinda pointless. Writing here doesn’t feel pointless. It feels kinda meaningful actually, knowing that there’s a chance someone might read your words. And I’m actually starting to understand the point of  writing down your thoughts, I mean, I laughed my ass off at some of my posts, and not because of my stellar humor either. So, I’m going to be better now, start updating more. It might not be as much as the previous months, but that’s understandable, I didn’t have to defend my life in a sword fight against school every day back then. Summer break, those were the days. At least I’m almost halfway through high-school. Geez, I can’t believe I even came this far without breaking down completely. Came close a few times though. Anyways, from now on, more updates…even if no one’s reading this. Man, I’m coming back into my emoish ways quickly.

Tune of the day, seeing that familiar phrase makes me smile more than I imagined it would. Oh, I just gotta tell you, my music taste has been altered a bit. Or, rather, an addition has been made. As you might have noticed, american/rock/pop/teeny/punk or whatever has taken a bigger place in my music library. Very refreshing. And suits the place I’m in right now. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still myself. Just upgraded. Constant upgrading.

Anyways, here’s the song. Reminds me of way back when it used to play on TV and I had no clue who Fall Out Boy was. I did like the song back then too though, which is kinda funny, now that I think about it. It also makes me think of the day, for obvious reasons…AND it makes me think of a relatively recent day when I “tore up the town” with my partner in crime. Speaking of that, I haven’t been completely absent in the Cyberworld this whole time, I do have another project. Can’t write about it, confidential shit, but if you for some reason find something you suspect has something to do with me, please do ask. This is sooo farfetched that I would be thoroughly amused if it were to come back to this blog. Anyways, here’s the song, with its very-hard-to-decipher lyrics:

Fall Out Boy – Sugar, We’re Going Down

Love & Antlers