Hurt.

I haven’t felt this way all summer, and I haven’t missed it at all. This heavy rock pushing down on my chest, filled with ugly, dark emotions. I hate this so much. The loneliness tugs at me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s causing it, and I don’t know how to make it go away. Fearing the unknown is as natural to humans as breathing, and this is the Unknown that I fear the most, second only to death itself. I feel sad and I don’t know why. It hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad.

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Will you let yourself let go? Let go.

Tune of the day CXXXVI.

All day, my insides have just been boiling with all these feelings. The feelings brewed, just becoming bigger and bigger, threatening to spill over. I didn’t know what to do, where to begin. And then this song came on shuffle. I exploded. Everything that had been stirring inside of me just came out. All because of this song. This one song that I had almost forgotten. This one song that is perfect in every way. And that’s why it’s the tune of the day.

Safe little house, safe little friends
Safe little thoughts to keep you safe
From all those big bad wolves that eat you up
Safe in your room
Safe as a tomb
Sleep in a coffin made of glass
It takes a big facade to hide the cracks

Can you make this last
Cause now I’m not so sure
Are you up to the task?
Sometimes the sickness is the cure
You’re searching so hard
You’ve lost yourself

Does it help to pray as you’re wasting away
Like a silver screen cliché?
Cause after all we’re actors on a stage
Will it help you to wait for the moment to break
Is it real or is it fake?
All we are just chapters on a page
Cause after all we’re actors on a stage

Here in the now, shedding the doubts
They’ll be no past or future tense
Regrets a waste of time and plans will change
Oh, some for the worst
Some for the best
You know you can always get your way
So worried about what’s next
You lost today

Can you make this last?
Cause now I’m not so sure
Are you up to the task?
Sometimes the sickness is the cure
You’re searching so hard
You’ve lost yourself

Innocence.

Static.

I hear the buzz in my ears and my breath hitches. I drop everything and just lay my head back, eyes closed. The soothing strumming of a guitar fills my ears and a feeling of calmness washes over me. My heart stirrs and a warmth courses through my body. The source, small but forceful, in my core.

Drums.

The steady beat kicks in, willing my heart to match its rhythm. Beckoning me to lose myself in it completely. Simultaneously, the strings come in, rocking me back and forth. Each stroke a pull toward a different untangible direction.

Faster.

The tempo increases, sending small shocks coursing through my veins. Sparks going until they reach my fingertips and toes, leaving a buzzing sensation. The tone changes, going from lulling to exciting. Filling me with an indescribable emotion.

Words.

The raspy voice sings words of desperation. Tugging at my insides, making me want to speak words I am not aware of. Every word vein imprinted with on every inch on my body. With ink, invisible to everyone but myself. Making my feel it in my bones, my bones, my bones. My blood, my blood, my blood.

Oh my God.

(The Airborne Toxic Event – Innocence)

Now tell me all your fears, I’ll be your greatest fear…

I still remember your voice, it turns my blood cold
The kids are fast asleep, keep them fast asleep
Your soul still haunts these walls, like Taxidermy

Tune of the day, a wonderfully creepy song by one of my favorite bands. I discovered them through a friend about two years ago, and it was so different from the music I listened to back then. It fits perfectly in my current music library though. I’m going to see White Lies the last day of february, and I honestly can’t wait. I ache for the rush of raw emotion only hearing music you love live can evoke. I’ve experienced it twice in my life, and I have to say there hasn’t been situations where I’ve even come close to feeling like I do on concerts. I strive to feel that as many times as possible in my life, because to me – that’s living.

There’s no kiss of life, so baby don’t pretend
With your heart in your throat and a gun to your head
You can burn the money in the fireplace
You keep on telling white lies to the little kids
I think it’s time they knew just what it means to live
Now burn your parents in the fireplace 

Love & basilisks