New/Mine/Old

I can find an article of clothing in a store and fall in love with it right away. At first sight, I immediately think that this is the thing that’s been missing in my closet for all my life, and mentally put together a billion outfits with this one piece as the focus. I spend an inappropriate amount of time practically salivating over it, feeling the fabric between my fingers and finally decide to try it on. As I look in the mirror, I sigh and think: it’s perfect. Something makes me hesitate though, what if I regret it later? So I leave the store empty-handed, and spend the entire week just thinking about that one article of clothing, imagining countless other girls(or boys (?)) just buying every single one in the entire country. Then I practically run back there, throw the money on the cash register and snatch my new dress/top/pants/whatever as fast as I can. The whole night, I sit at home and have a Gollum moment, petting it while wheezing “precious” (okay not really, but you know), admiring my new whatever and just feeling general content regarding my decision. The following day, I wear it to school, and someone gives me a compliment. “Oh, what a lovely whatever you have!” And what do I respond? A meek “thanks”. WTF? Why does all the magic disappear as soon as I possess something? I mean, of course I think it’s lovely, I spent a week obsessing over it! I should answer: “I know, right?!” But I don’t even think it. It’s strange how it all changes so fast. Maybe the enchantment lays in actually wanting something you don’t have, and not the object of desire itself. Greedy human.

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Useless.

Feeling alienated has to be the worst feeling in the world. Like you don’t belong. Feeling irrelevant. Like everyone is in on the big joke except you. Like they are all having a fun night while you sit at home, all alone, watching reruns of sitcoms you don’t even find funny. Like no matter how hard you try, it will be of no use. Like it is useless because the reason for them having a fun night and you watching not-funny sitcoms has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that they have the money and the clothes and you don’t. Like you know that if they’d only give you a chance, they would see that your personality shines so much brighter than the ones having a fun night, because all they do is laugh at stupid things. And it is the personality that matters, right? Right. That’s why those bleak, immature people are having a fun night while you’re sitting at home, all alone, watching reruns of sitcoms you don’t even find funny.