Happy birthday, dear blog!

Hello readers,

today this thing right here turns two years old. It’s crazy how I’ve managed to keep it for so long, especially considering that this is my first real blog. I’m going to be unrealistically optimistic and hope that I have it until I’m old and wrinkly. Imagine having an old IO, writing about the mysteries of death when she’s close to reaching it. That would be cool.

Anyways, so I decided to revisit my first post, and boy oh boy did I have me a good laugh. That version of me is such a child compared to the one that I am today (I’m not saying that I’m an adult now, but geez I was a baby). Clearly, I was overzealous, taking the idea of writing what’s on your mind without any second thought too literally. You have to admire my naivety though, I really was very excited to be writing like that. Of course, I didn’t have in mind that other people had to be able to read it as well. And by read it, I mean understand it. Every single sentence is still clear as day to me, but it’s such an excerpt from my mind that without context (really not given here at all), I would imagine that it’s just nonsense to others. I mean MASH, secret societies and a Legally Blonde reference all in one post? I must have been out of my mind.

And another thing, that I could write an entire post about in itself, is my signoff. Up until June, that would make it seven months, I ended pretty much every post with the letters “LSATYD”. Hmm. That would be Life Sucks And Then You Die. Really? I mean, okay it was taken out of my favorite book at the time (yes, I was a twihard and I still am a little bit. Come at me brah), but still – really? I can’t even remember if I actually thought that, or if I was being a little (hah!) melodramatic because was life was so boring back then.

I think I’m going to read some more of my old posts, learn something new about myself. It’s funny how we realize things about ourselves that could have been really useful at the time, but it’s like a gazillion years later and too late to be useful. Oh well, I guess learning something new about yourself is useful no matter what time.

LPATYD (Life Pwns And Then You Die)

I won’t ever be your corner stone…

Happy birthday, blog-eo!

Yesterday, it was one year ago that I finally clicked the button and created my first blog. My initial plan was to make this a diary, I just wanted my thoughts saved. Somewhere along the line, I started fantisizing a bit and thought that maybe someone out there might actually read this shit, so I tried to make it more “blog-y”. Turns out, that’s the same thing for me. Anyways, I’m pretty impressed with myself for not deleting this, even though I’m shitty at updating.

So, today’s Father’s Day. I didn’t even know until one of my friends told me and that made me sad. It made me sad because if I had a father in my life, I would have known this and maybe even done something nice. I don’t have any contact with my father at the moment, even though he lives an hour away and we have each other’s numbers. When I was little, he used to meet me for at least once a month and I thought that he was the best divorce-dad in the world for still wanting to see me. He would call me and wish me happy birthday and I would be so happy for the rest of the day. I adored my father. Then as the years passed, the meetings got fewer and more far in between. Eventually, they stopped altogether, but he still called every december 9th to wish me a happy birthday and for some reason, that was enough for me. Proof that I still mattered to him, I guess. One year, he didn’t call for my birthday. I waited and waited, but no call. Even though I didn’t express my disappointment, my mother could tell I was sad. She told me that he was probably busy and that I have a family that loves me very much. The year after, I still waited for that phone call, but it never came. Five years later, I gave up.  I gave up on the thought of having a father that cared. When people asked, or even just mentioned something about my father, I just told them I didn’t have a father. Of course, I added that I didn’t have a father in my life, but my tone said he was dead to me. A year later, he called and told me he wanted to meet me. Young as I was, I didn’t care that he had missed half of my life, all I thought was that my father did care. We met and everything was as if he’d never left. That was the last time I had an arranged meeting with my father. I did meet him a couple of times after that, just in passing, but I never had the guts to say something to him. All I did was stand there, with a lump in my throat, answering his inane questions about how school was doing and such. He even tried to compensate for his lack of parenting by asking if he could buy me anything. Yes, he really tried to buy my love. Idiot. A time has passed since then, and during this time I’ve come to loathe my father for taking away the things that I could have had, but I’ve also had time to get over my hate. The thing is, I’ve gone through the sadness stage and the anger stage, but shouldn’t acceptance come next? A long time has passed, but I still feel sorrow when I think about my father. I still feel that jab in my chest every time someone mentions their fathers and I still can’t stand talking about him. I don’t hold a grudge, because I know I couldn’t have turned out any better than I did and I know that I now have more than I would have had with him in my life, but I’m still sad. When will this end?  I wanted some peace, so I tried to arrange a meeting with him, but he just said he’d call me later. Of course, he didn’t. Okay, so he’s taking away the opportunity for closure too, what next? I have to get over this by myself, but I don’t know what to do. I’m still not over it and that frustrates me greatly. Some days are worse than others though, and this is one of them. I’m just glad I don’t feel this way all the time. I’m usually pretty happy. Well, mostly.

Tune of the day, everything about this song is perfection. Heartfelt.

Kings of Leon – Pyro

love and trucker caps

Ahh… (Yes, I know I am very eloquent and draw you in with my words)

So, I’m not dead. Not that anyone cares, but I’d just like to say that. I haven’t blogged (here) in what feels like ages, and that’s because…I haven’t had anything to write. Not that nothing’s happened in my life, believe me, it has, but I’ve just never felt the urge to put it here. Which makes me sad, now that I think about it. I just spent the last hour reading all my old posts and realized I have something special here. I’ve never done anything like this before, written exactly what’s in my head. I never had a diary…well, I’ve had several diaries, but let’s just say they’re mostly filled with nothing. I think the reason of my failed attempts is that I didn’t really feel it had a purpose. To write my thoughts in a book, I mean. What’s the point of writing the things that are in my head and reading them? It’s not like there’s going to be anything I didn’t already know in them. I know you’re supposed to look back and remember things or whatever, but it just felt kinda pointless. Writing here doesn’t feel pointless. It feels kinda meaningful actually, knowing that there’s a chance someone might read your words. And I’m actually starting to understand the point of  writing down your thoughts, I mean, I laughed my ass off at some of my posts, and not because of my stellar humor either. So, I’m going to be better now, start updating more. It might not be as much as the previous months, but that’s understandable, I didn’t have to defend my life in a sword fight against school every day back then. Summer break, those were the days. At least I’m almost halfway through high-school. Geez, I can’t believe I even came this far without breaking down completely. Came close a few times though. Anyways, from now on, more updates…even if no one’s reading this. Man, I’m coming back into my emoish ways quickly.

Tune of the day, seeing that familiar phrase makes me smile more than I imagined it would. Oh, I just gotta tell you, my music taste has been altered a bit. Or, rather, an addition has been made. As you might have noticed, american/rock/pop/teeny/punk or whatever has taken a bigger place in my music library. Very refreshing. And suits the place I’m in right now. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still myself. Just upgraded. Constant upgrading.

Anyways, here’s the song. Reminds me of way back when it used to play on TV and I had no clue who Fall Out Boy was. I did like the song back then too though, which is kinda funny, now that I think about it. It also makes me think of the day, for obvious reasons…AND it makes me think of a relatively recent day when I “tore up the town” with my partner in crime. Speaking of that, I haven’t been completely absent in the Cyberworld this whole time, I do have another project. Can’t write about it, confidential shit, but if you for some reason find something you suspect has something to do with me, please do ask. This is sooo farfetched that I would be thoroughly amused if it were to come back to this blog. Anyways, here’s the song, with its very-hard-to-decipher lyrics:

Fall Out Boy – Sugar, We’re Going Down

Love & Antlers