Close your eyes to corral a virtue, is this fooling anyone else?

Never worked so long and hard to cement a failure…

Hello poppets,

just doing some quick blogging. I just wasted another evening studying and after that, I decided to see just exactly how much I have going on these days. I have reached the conclusion that I have at least one important task in literally every subject, I just ask myself what I ask every time school throws something flabbergasting at me: is this even legal? Something that surprises me, and if I’m being honest, kind of amazes me, is how school always manages to trump itself with every assignment. It’s so overwhelming that I almost laugh. Almost. What worries me a bit is the fact that I’m not ready to crawl under a rock yet. It’s like I see the mountain of work I have ahead of me, and I pity myself. I sympathize with myself, when I clearly should be empathizing…considering I’m the one who should be having the feeling in the first place. And by saying this, I don’t mean that fretting over studying is the right thing to do, it’s just that I know myself, and this is exactly the kind of thing that would make me all emo. I’m worried for myself. So it’s kind of the right feeling, but for the wrong reason. Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe I should just enjoy being chill. I’m just scared that it’ll all come crashing down at once. I really don’t want to have an anxiety attack, especially when I need my brain the most. Oh well, I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Tune of the day, a song that I’ve underestimated in the past, I was studying for a Spanish test when it came on shuffle and the intro kinda overthrew me. Not that the intro itself is so extraordinary, but I just wasn’t expecting hearing this song I didn’t even remember having. It was definitely a wow-moment.

We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely is such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,

And still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it’s growing.

Love & nebulas

Flutter all through the night and we can blow the clouds around this paper hanger skyline

…So long, our flight of downy dreams preened our soft paper wings

Oh hai there,

writing because I can, mom’s not home wo I’m sneaking in some cyber-hours. When Mother’s away, Phemy comes out to play. I had another major exam today, nationals I guess. For every day that passes, the feeling of the year ending gets more protruded. Next week, I’ll be done with school. I’ll be free to get my shit together for three weeks before we start all over again.

I have to say, the rest is well needed. Seriously, I’m feeling so high-strung these days. Yesterday, I had a biology presentation in front of the whole class. My partner flunked on me so I had to do it all by myself. I was so nervous, my head was spinning and my hands were shaking so bad. Hyperventilating as well. So gnarly. I’m wondering if my nervousness problems aren’t more like anxiety issues. If what I had yesterday wasn’t an attack, then I don’t know what is.

Fortunately, I pulled it off on my own. I had, luckily, practised his part as well (I always do that, obviously can’t depend on others) so it went okay. From what I heard, people couldn’t tell that I felt like bolting every second I was standing in the front of the classroom. There was something that made it a tad bit more endurable…actually, someone. Yep, you guessed it: Phreckles. He sat at the front so I took the opportunity to look at him some while I spoke, something I don’t get to do enough, and I have to say –  it helped. The only thing that beat that was being able to stare at him shamelessly while he did his presentation, I passed it off as “listening intently”. *snort* Yeah, right. Other than that, there hasn’t been any direct encounters with him these past few days I’m afraid…not intentional ones anyways. Though I have to say, he’s been suspiciously close at most times. It’s like, I look to the right and he’s right there. I take a seat in class, doodle for ten minutes, look up and: oh, he’s sitting next to me. I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time until we start getting to know each other. Looking forward to it.

Also, my class. It’s been good these days. Some days, I love my class, and others, I absolutely loathe it. It’s all clicks and groups and we all hardly interact. At least, this is the way it’s been…until now. Now, people are starting to come to our table instead of going to the empty one next to us, and people come up to you without any special reasons. It’s nice. Though, it is typical, considering the fact that school’s over in a week and things are only starting to look up now. Everything will probably be the way they always were after the break. We’ll be back at square one. Okay, no. Let’s not be negative here, maybe it really is different now. I sure hope so.

Tune of the day, a sweet, light song to reflect the way I’m feeling most of these days…except when I’m not. And in those cases, it’s the way I want to feel.

Mid-air, I woke up beneath the flight deck on the wallpaper airplane…