Why can’t things ever work out for me? Things always have to be so fucking impossible, and no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. Why does it always have to be so damn painful? Why? WHY?
I can barely see the screen as I’m typing this. A pathetic, blubbering mess gasping for air as the chains around her heart tighten – constricting it from beating as strongly as it wants to.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to please others, never giving my own desires any attention or care. I tried my best to go along with what everyone else wanted, trying to convince myself that it’s what I want too. Well, it wasn’t. It isn’t. It will never be. I see that now.
And so, three years ago, I finally realized what I had been doing, foolishly trying to change what is permanent, and decided that it was of no use. I finally asked myself – what do you want? And apparently, knowing what I wanted was never the problem, because I found it right away, the problem had been trying to quiet the voice which burned brightly inside of me. But I had already chosen.
I had already chosen a path that I was obliged to follow, for three years. I had to change myself once more, doing the things I hated, and not being good at them at all. I was miserable. Three years later, I still am. But I decided that I wasn’t going to take any more of this. No more.
I wasn’t going to be spending the rest of my life feeling misplaced. I was going to be passionate about something, dammit. And so the plan had become to screw everyone, the only one who’s in this is me. And the, oh so blatant, mistake I had made could be forgotten, right? Wrong.
Here I sit today, feeling a regret so deep I think I’ve reached a new level of emotion. I’m only nearly eighteen, I shouldn’t feel like this. But I do. Because now, I have ruined my entire life. I finally figured out what I want, but now I’m not good enough. All because of a stupid fucking decision.
And I’m feeling desperate, and desolate, and lonely, and to be honest – I’m loathing myself a little right now. Because how can I be so stupid? How can I manage to fuck things up so absolutely? My hope is fading, it really is. I’m begging to God, begging without an ounce of pride, to fix this, but I don’t see how this can be done. I want it so bad, but it won’t happen. And it’s all my fault. Why? Why God why?
So, for once, let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time.