Yesterday, I saw this documentary about the elderly at an old folks home, more specifically, the dementia division at an old folks home. It was pretty devastating. Seeing these men and women be so helpless, and frankly lost, kind of broke my heart. And it made me think. These people have lived almost entire lives. They’ve seen, done, and been through things that I can’t even imagine, and yet, what have they to show for it now? Practically nothing. Every relationship they’ve ever had – gone. Some of these people didn’t even remember their children. Think of all the wisdom they’ve gained over the years, only to have their minds be reduced to a childlike state. We live life, and make mistakes, thinking that it will make us stronger and smarter, but if there’s a chance that it all turns to dust in the end, what’s the point? Who’s to say that I will carry on what I’ve learned today, and all the days I’ve lived before that, tomorrow? To think that everything can disappear is very frightening. But I guess that it’s another thing that proves that you have to live for today. Enjoy the crazy rollercoaster that is life. Take every lesson to heart. Appreciate every moment. Because you, mind or body, might not be here tomorrow.

A highly fascinating organ.

Left brain: I am the left brain. I am a scientist. A mathematician. I love the familiar. I categorize. I am accurate. Linear. Analytical. Strategic. I am practical. Always in control. A master of words and language. Realistic. I calculate equations and play with numbers. I am order. I am logic. I know exactly who I am.

Right brain: I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free. I am passion. Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feet. I am movement. Vivid colors. I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. I am everything I wanted to be.

For a car commercial, this feels pretty…irrelevant. I love the concept nonetheless. The brain is such a fascinating organ. It’s this beige lump of spongy substance and in it, everything that makes us who we are is stored. Without a brain, our world wouldn’t exist to us. Nothing would exist. I read somewhere that all the information we get is stored in the brain. It’s just right there, the hard part is just bringing it forward – remembering it. Imagine what we all have inside us, so close, yet so hard to reach. And imagine that the brain not only stores all the information that you decipher, but also controls your every action. The brain is in charge of everything, and it’s organized in a very complicated manner. When you think about it, we are completely dependent on our brains. Fortunately, the brain is a part of ourselves and we don’t have to constantly fear that it will let us down. Even though it’s a definite possibility. A common occurrence, actually. But we don’t blame our brains for our mistakes, because we know that it’s a part of ourselves. And after all,

we are only human.

It certainly seems infinite.

Hi friendsters,

Yesterday,  I saw a documentary about the origin of the universe. Every time I hear about these things, I end up feeling overwhelmed. Baffled. Stunned. In awe. One of the (many) goosebump-inducing moments was when some science dude said that they had used Hubble (which is probably the most awesome material object I have heard of) to observe what would happen to this miniscule, empty, black spot in space. There were a million  things around it, but that particular dot in the universe consisted of nothing. When observing the spot of black, the scientists witnessed a hundred thousand galaxies emerge. One hundred thousand galaxies. 100 000. In a tiny spot in the seemingly infinite universe. A hundred thousand galaxies that each have an uncountable number of astronomical objects. It makes me feel incredibly small. Tiny. Insignificant. But it’s also comforting.

This brings a whole new definition to the phrase “the possibilities are endless”. Because they virtually are. Who knows what’s out there? I have to say that it would feel very self-righteous for me to say that life only exists here on earth. The universe is so big. I can’t say that I know that there’s life, but with the possibilities – why wouldn’t there be life somewhere else? There has to be some place (among a gazillion) that have the conditions that are necessary for life to exist, probably not life in our definition, but life in some form.

The continuing theme throughout the documentary was the fact that we humans know so little. There is so much to explore. Apparently, there is this unknown force and matter in space that affect it greatly. Scientists have named these things dark energy and dark matter and even though they know that they have a huge impact, they can’t define it. At all. And together, dark energy and dark matter make up about 95 % of the universe. That’s a lot.

There was one thing I was kind of mulling over. We’re all taught that the universe is constantly expanding, right? It just keeps getting bigger and takes up more and more room, like a balloon that you keep blowing up. But what is it that the universe is occupying more space of? It’s like there’s the balloon, but what’s outside of the balloon? In this case, I would generally guess even more space, but isn’t that expanding too? What’s outside of space and how come we can take up more and more space? Me being me, I start to think of dimensions. Maybe our world has expanded over several dimensions, because one wasn’t big enough? What if you enter another dimension when you reach a certain part in space? This is some seriously complicated shit.

To sum it all up: We hardly know anything at all. We probably won’t get all the answers. But we can, and most certainly will, keep trying. And isn’t that oh so very exciting?

love & toy machines

Survival of the fittest.


we’ve been talking a lot about evolution in school these past couple of days. Discussions about morals, ethics, science, religion, the meaning of life etc. The (vast) majority of my class are strict believers in evolution. They praise Darwin and take every opportunity they get to point out that we are nothing but animals. Superior to all other animals, but animals none the less. I myself take a different approach to all of this. I consider myself a religious person, in my definition of the word, but I guess most people would call it spiritual if I just explained the practicalities of my faith. I’m catholic, but I don’t take the Bible in a literal sense as the conventional christian would. I choose to focus on the messages the stories in the Bible, and not necessarily the actual content. So I believe that the creatures that’s on earth right now have evolved from species that existed a long time ago. Evolution, I guess. But I still have my doubts, not just about the theory itself, but what it would mean.

One of my thoughts regarding this is a short one. We were discussing the human being’s selfishness in class, and people kept mentioning that it’s in our nature and that it’s been like since the beginning of time. Animals have to fight for survival, and therefore, they prioritize themselves. That got me wondering. Animals are selfish because they have to, and we did too, once, but our society have changed – so, why shouldn’t our instincts as well? I mean, we’re pretty much reliant on each other now, so why should we automatically want to have everything for ourselves? Isn’t that the whole point of the evolution, to adapt to the current situation. Our lifestyles have changed so much, in my opinion, it would just be reasonable if our essence as human beings would too.

Another thought I had was about the future of the human population. The whole survival of the fittest ordeal is about the best adapted individuals to survive, right? In our society, that would probably be about intellect. The smart people out there should survive, and make a better world, while the people with lower IQ’s would just fall by the waste side. Of course, this isn’t the case according to the standards today. But in a way, they kind of are. The smart people compete with the not so smart ones, because that’s what all people do, and in most cases, the smart ones win. The people without education have to struggle to find end’s meat while the doctors and lawyers of the world live in financially stable homes. This also gives the smart people a bigger advantage when it comes to producing off-spring. It’s easier for them to raise a “good” kid, that’s healthy and gets a proper education, who can continue to mate and help the human race live on, than it would for someone who can barely afford to pay rent. After I thought about this, I thought that it can’t be like this, because the people with lower IQ’s wouldn’t be eliminated. But then I thought some more. I consider myself a pretty smart person, and I know for a fact, that I’m a thousand times more attracted to someone if he’s intelligent as well. I’ve always thought that it’s because I like to conversate with someone who’s on the same wave-length as me, or even higher, that I like the challenge. But now that I think about it, it could just be my “make” that makes me feel attracted to a smart person so that we could produce off-spring that would have a bigger chance to survive in this world than a “stupid” person. Then I thought further, my friends that struggle in school all have boyfriends that struggle in school as well, one of them has said that she doesn’t click with smart boys, and prefers the simplicity of a “dumb” boy. That kind of scares me. What if that is the way it’s going to be? All the intelligent people pair up and the less intelligent people pair up, and eventually the latter doesn’t “happen” very often. Then we’ll have this super society with a bunch of intellectuals. It sounds good, but I think we really need the diversity. Sometimes, the people who don’t fill the criteria for the conventional definition of being intellectual know better than those who do. It’s when you have a mix that things work out best.

Love & subways

Experiment: Mindfuckery to control life. Part uno.


(for you who didn’t catch my, very clear, intents of the last post, I’m doing a little experiment to see how much (or just if) my thoughts and mindset can actually affect the coming day.

part one of the experiment completed. I tried going into the day with a positive attitude, but I don’t really know if it affected my day. It was…meh. Some good things, some bad.

The good things were that I had two small, but nice, conversations with two girls that I don’t really talk to much. Hmm, what else…oh! We played a, really stupid but useful, game in spanish and my team won, me having scored us one point (out of four). So that was a positive. Also, my friend told me this really good joke, or actually, she did this spot-on impersonation of a certain social-climber in our class, and I was so caught off guard that I cracked up…really loudly. Anyways, the joke stuck with me so every now and then, I could remember it and just start chuckling to my self. Also, I borrowed An Abundance of Katherine’s, so I have another John Greene book to read…that’s a major positive. Oh, and I also realized something that made me a lot happier than it should have; I will probably hear Phreckles speak english again! We chose the courses we want to take next year, and I chose English C. He probably did to. It’s going to be wizard. Sooo wizard.

Alright, now the negatives, let’s see. I woke up feeling like shit, my throat was as dry as a bone. But that got better as the day went on. Another negative was that I was late for spanish class, but I don’t really care about that to be honest. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m glad that I missed the train. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have spoken to those two girls. A huge negative was  that I had biology, chemistry and physics. Having those three bombs of subjects = no fun. Lunch sucked, as per usual, so I ended up chewing on some lettuce like a freaking rabbit. And last but not least, no Phreckles. He spent the day taking his Physics nationals, so I only saw him about ten seconds at the end of the day. He rushed in to tell the teacher that he was leaving, and his cheeks were all speckled with red. Poor thing. I know how excruciating that test is. He left for the States before finishing the course, so he had to complete it this semester, while taking the B course with the rest of us. Tough shit.

Alright, now that I assess my observations, I see that nothing of substance happened today, positive or negative. Now that I think about, hardly any one of these things were made possible due to my efforts in staying positive. At least, I don’t think so. Well, the two convos could have been affected, maybe my high spirits made them more enjoyable. All right, all of the positive things could be linked to me being generally “yay life!”. I can’t say the same to the negative ones. So maybe having a positive attitude does brighten your day? I definitely need to count in the fact that I could be searching for the right answer, seeing what I want to see etc. It’s a tricky one. Hmm, we’ll see. I’ll try different things and see what happens.

Love & Post-its

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend.

Hello everyone,

let’s try a little experiment. I have a feeling that tomorrow’s going to be a good day. I got bangs now, and a new sweater that I’m going to wear and feel awesome in. I’m going to wake up with a smile on my face and with a positive attitude. Who knows, maybe the day will be a bright one? And if it still ends up crappy, I can try the “my life is shit” way the next day and see what happens. I’ll document the results. Little experiments. Shall be interesting. And hopefully a good way to keep my mind occupied when it starts to wander towards a darker path.

Tune of the day, because it’s one of those songs I never tire of. It never fails at making me smile. Oh, and also, God willing, I might actually get to see them this spring. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Love & burgundy

I guffawed.

Yep, that funny. It’s partly because I can relate to having to come up with your own analogy when writing a high-school essay, but mostly because they are so stupid.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.”

One of my favorites. I give you the worst analogies ever written in a high-school essay. Warning, hilarity will ensue.

Click here for something that will make you laugh your ass off.


So we’re bound to linger on, we drink the fatal drop…

Some days you feel transparent. Invisible. Like you try to get through to people, but not only do they not listen, they don’t even acknowledge your presence. You scream for attention, but people just look through you, to their reflection in the mirror. Enchanted by what they see, unknowing of what you see. Unknowing of the fact that you see. That you’re standing there, trying to get through to them. Sometimes you feel like you’d do anything to be noticed, but that it would be of no use. Your attempts would be futile. Some days the feeling of hope is particularly small. You feel it shrinking, struggling. But it never vanishes completely. It’s always there. The hope that someone will actually see you. Other days, it’s the opposite. You feel looks burning you from every direction. They leave marks. You know that they are permanent. Ugly scars that will burden you in the future. You would give anything to not be seen, to just blend in with the scenery. You just want to feel the relief of not having someone scrutinizing every move you make. You want to be able to just breathe without having to think about the responsibilities you have in life. You want a second to stop and think, to clear your head. You want a moment of peace. Even if that moment is fleeting. Invisibility can cause misery, and it can give solace.

I’m naked. I’m numb. I’m stupid. I’m staying.