About irregularone

The ramblings of a person with an irregular mind and an unhealthy addiction for wikiing...wikieng...whatever, just searching on random things that I find fascinating on Wikipedia. To the people in my "real world", I'm your average teenager. But this is the sanctuary of my mind, where I can actually let go. And all without anyone knowing who I am, God bless the internet.

Rain.

A funny thing about my “Regn” playlist is that I always end up listening to it. When it’s raining and when it’s not. When it’s cold and when it’s warm. When it’s summer and when it’s winter. When it’s night and when it’s day. When it’s light and when it’s dark. It’s always rain, rain, rain. What does this mean? That my songs aren’t really suited for only rain at all? But when I look at the list, it’s exactly what I think of – cold, wet, drizzling rain. So is it always raining? I think that it is. It’s always raining in my head. Whether I’m happy or sad, tired or excited, there’s always the pitter patter of drops hitting the window in the background. So, whenever I feel like it, I know that “Regn” will always be there to welcome me.

Playlist – Regn

1. The Perishers – Trouble Sleeping

2. Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism

3. Dios Malos – You Got Me All Wrong

4. Bright Eyes – Lover I Don’t Have to Love

5. Broken Social Scene – Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old

6. Ryan Adams – Wonderwall (Oasis Cover)

7. Mazzy Star – Into Dust

8. Bright Eyes – Bad Blood

9. Aqualung – Strange and Beautiful

10. Nada Surf – Your Legs Grow

11. Yo La Tengo – Autumn Sweater

12. Bon Iver – Bracket, WI

13. Band of Horses – Cigarettes, Wedding Bands

14. Death Cab for Cutie – Crooked Teeth

15. Iron and Wine – Each Coming Night

16. Bon Iver – Flume

17. José González – Heartbeats (The Knife Cover)

18. Mumford and Sons – I Gave You All

19. The White Stripes – In the Cold, Cold Night

20. Paramore – Misguided Ghosts

21. The Shins – New Slang

22. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Soft Shock (Acoustic Version)

23. Iron and Wine – Such Great Heights (Postal Service Cover)

24. M. Craft – Dragonfly

25. Bloc Party – Signs

26. Blue Foundation – Eyes On Fire

27. Sonic Youth – Superstars (The Carpenters Cover)

28. Florence and the Machine – Hospital Beds (Cold War Kids Cover)

29. Coconut Records – Microphone

30. Sea Wolf – Black Dirt

Crete.

Calimera, calispera, calinichta.

I’m sitting on one of those chairs that feel utterly commercial and forced, yet oddly authentic, looking at the incredible view before me. The chair is blue and white, the two colors that seem to cover nearly everything on this island. In this country. From the white film of salt covering the rocks, feeling warm under my feet, to the almost unbelievable shade of the clear, blue sky. From the foamy turquoise of the ocean, to the white seagull which hovers above it, trying to spot its prey. It’s not only the product of man that’s blue and white here, it’s everything. And though one could argue that the blatant patriotism is the reason for this, to me, it seems to me that the people are merely imitating what is already there, and has been there for ages.

I take in my surroundings, marvelling at how foreign it all looks. The dry, maroon mountains tower over me on the east, south, and west side, framing what’s before me. The faint sound of goats can be heard, defying all logic and climbing to the very top. On my north, I see water. An ocean that stretches so far, it feels infinite. The logical part of my brain has disappeared and I squint to see if it actually is just that, when I see a faded silhouette of an island. No, not an island, I realize. It’s Africa. I sigh and think to myself:

Is this just a dream?

I continue taking it all in, while listening to my summer playlist. Suddenly, a song comes on. No, not any song, but the song. Pachuca Sunrise, by Minus the Bear, starts playing. A shiver runs down my spine and the blood starts coursing through my veins. This is perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I feel so happy that I could burst, because I never thought that I would get to do this. Hear the words “Midnight on a beach in the Mediterranean.” and actually be there, having seen a midnight on the beach in the Mediterranean. Knowing how the air feels completely silent at that time, only occasionally being interrupted by a gentle breeze. Knowing that it never really is a night, but only a dimmed day. Knowing that it’s a completely different world.

I remember the night before, laying on the rocks, gazing up at the millions of stars I’d never be able to see back home. Thinking that I was actually looking back in time. I felt so tiny. I’d just had the most painful hour of my existence, purging, experiencing delirium and eventually passing out, and I just laid there feeling empty. Peaceful. There’s nothing like the peace after purging. The calm after the storm. Me and a girl discussed life. Death. Everything. We spoke about the past, the present and the future, and I realized that this was one of those moments. One of those moments that would be etched in my soul forever. Because looking up at the stars, and thinking about the universe, I felt the vastness of it all. I really did.

Midnight on a beach in the Mediterranean. And I miss you, sitting here taking it all in.

Bucket list.

I’m really big on the idea of having a bucket list. Having a list of things you want to have done before you die. It’s not like I have a concrete one, but I often ind myself doing something and then thinking: “Wow, to think that I actually got to experience this. To be able to say that I’ve done this.” Some are big and some are small, but all of them are equally important. So I thought that I could have a separate category for it, so I can look back and remember all the things that I never thought that I’d actually get to do, but somehow did. A really nice category, don’t you think?

Readers, are you there?

Several years have passed since I first started this thing, and I’ve come a long way, but there’s still something I hardly know anything about – you guys. If you exist, that is. Write me a little something about yourself in the comments? Or something random, whichever is fine. It’d just make everything a little more real, you know?

Ink.

I got a tattoo.

There, it’s out there. I’ve sat here for far too long, trying to figure out the best way to describe this thing. It’s all so….big. Huge. Just…honestly, there are no words for it. There are so many layers to what I’m feeling that it just comes out as nothing. It’s not only the aspect of having a tattoo, it’s also having this particular tattoo, having actually gone through with the decision, having sat through it, having taken the step, to be willing to face all the crap I probably will have to take for it, and dealing with the very little amount of crap that’s already been thrown at me.

I regret nothing.

And I know that I won’t. I just do. Because it’s so what I am, and now it’s been manifested as a physical part of me, as real as my skin, my brain and my heart. It’s me, and now everyone can see it. So if someone judges my tattoo, they judge me, and that’s fine. Because, like with everything else about me, if you don’t like it, then you can just walk away. Actually, run, because I don’t want you near me anyways.

I’ve been obsessed with tattoos in general for years now, and I’ve seen pictures of countless pieces of art. And even though my tattoo is about the shape of three coins, and don’t have any fancy designs or colors, it’s still the most beautiful tattoo I have ever seen. Because it is my life.

Faith, hope and love.

Please please please let me, let me, let me, let me.

Why can’t things ever work out for me? Things always have to be so fucking impossible, and no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. Why does it always have to be so damn painful? Why? WHY?

I can barely see the screen as I’m typing this. A pathetic, blubbering mess gasping for air as the chains around her heart tighten – constricting it from beating as strongly as it wants to.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to please others, never giving my own desires any attention or care. I tried my best to go along with what everyone else wanted, trying to convince myself that it’s what I want too. Well, it wasn’t. It isn’t. It will never be. I see that now.

And so, three years ago, I finally realized what I had been doing, foolishly trying to change what is permanent, and decided that it was of no use. I finally asked myself – what do you want? And apparently, knowing what I wanted was never the problem, because I found it right away, the problem had been trying to quiet the voice which burned brightly inside of me. But I had already chosen.

I had already chosen a path that I was obliged to follow, for three years. I had to change myself once more, doing the things I hated, and not being good at them at all. I was miserable. Three years later, I still am. But I decided that I wasn’t going to take any more of this. No more.

I wasn’t going to be spending the rest of my life feeling misplaced. I was going to be passionate about something, dammit. And so the plan had become to screw everyone, the only one who’s in this is me. And the, oh so blatant, mistake I had made could be forgotten, right? Wrong.

Here I sit today, feeling a regret so deep I think I’ve reached a new level of emotion. I’m only nearly eighteen, I shouldn’t feel like this. But I do. Because now, I have ruined my entire life. I finally figured out what I want, but now I’m not good enough. All because of a stupid fucking decision.

And I’m feeling desperate, and desolate, and lonely, and to be honest – I’m loathing myself a little right now. Because how can I be so stupid? How can I manage to fuck things up so absolutely? My hope is fading, it really is. I’m begging to God, begging without an ounce of pride, to fix this, but I don’t see how this can be done. I want it so bad, but it won’t happen. And it’s all my fault. Why? Why God why?

So, for once, let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time.

Ceremonials.

I don’t really remember how I started listening to Florence and the Machine, but I can remember what it felt like when I listened through Lungs for the first time. It was like something inside of me started stirring. She has a way of awakening things that I didn’t know existed.

Ceremonials was meant to be an early birthday present from my mother, but I decided that it would mean more if I payed for it myself. I listened to it for the first time yesterday, and my God was it powerful. I spent an hour listening to this music that just brought out these things in me. It was like an exorcism. This album is so huge. So, so, so huge. I love it so much, and I’m so happy that Florence has manage to grow as an everything exponentially, because I thought that Lungs was major – that was nothing compared to Ceremonials. It feels very spiritual, I don’t know if it’s the actual album or just the experience, to a point where it’s almost religious (not in the typical sense). I was laughing, crying, jumping, laying, rocking back and forth and just doing irrational things – all because of this album. It’s so good. Beautiful.

My favorite has to be Shake It Out I think, even though it had been released as a single before the album came out, it still touches me to the core. It’s such a celebratory song, telling me to get rid of all negativity and just rejoice.

So, I guess that it’ll work as Tune of the Day CXLVII.

(I’m sorry I just can’t choose any favorite line so I have to post every word)

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah