Please please please let me, let me, let me, let me.

Why can’t things ever work out for me? Things always have to be so fucking impossible, and no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. Why does it always have to be so damn painful? Why? WHY?

I can barely see the screen as I’m typing this. A pathetic, blubbering mess gasping for air as the chains around her heart tighten – constricting it from beating as strongly as it wants to.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to please others, never giving my own desires any attention or care. I tried my best to go along with what everyone else wanted, trying to convince myself that it’s what I want too. Well, it wasn’t. It isn’t. It will never be. I see that now.

And so, three years ago, I finally realized what I had been doing, foolishly trying to change what is permanent, and decided that it was of no use. I finally asked myself – what do you want? And apparently, knowing what I wanted was never the problem, because I found it right away, the problem had been trying to quiet the voice which burned brightly inside of me. But I had already chosen.

I had already chosen a path that I was obliged to follow, for three years. I had to change myself once more, doing the things I hated, and not being good at them at all. I was miserable. Three years later, I still am. But I decided that I wasn’t going to take any more of this. No more.

I wasn’t going to be spending the rest of my life feeling misplaced. I was going to be passionate about something, dammit. And so the plan had become to screw everyone, the only one who’s in this is me. And the, oh so blatant, mistake I had made could be forgotten, right? Wrong.

Here I sit today, feeling a regret so deep I think I’ve reached a new level of emotion. I’m only nearly eighteen, I shouldn’t feel like this. But I do. Because now, I have ruined my entire life. I finally figured out what I want, but now I’m not good enough. All because of a stupid fucking decision.

And I’m feeling desperate, and desolate, and lonely, and to be honest – I’m loathing myself a little right now. Because how can I be so stupid? How can I manage to fuck things up so absolutely? My hope is fading, it really is. I’m begging to God, begging without an ounce of pride, to fix this, but I don’t see how this can be done. I want it so bad, but it won’t happen. And it’s all my fault. Why? Why God why?

So, for once, let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time.

Ceremonials.

I don’t really remember how I started listening to Florence and the Machine, but I can remember what it felt like when I listened through Lungs for the first time. It was like something inside of me started stirring. She has a way of awakening things that I didn’t know existed.

Ceremonials was meant to be an early birthday present from my mother, but I decided that it would mean more if I payed for it myself. I listened to it for the first time yesterday, and my God was it powerful. I spent an hour listening to this music that just brought out these things in me. It was like an exorcism. This album is so huge. So, so, so huge. I love it so much, and I’m so happy that Florence has manage to grow as an everything exponentially, because I thought that Lungs was major – that was nothing compared to Ceremonials. It feels very spiritual, I don’t know if it’s the actual album or just the experience, to a point where it’s almost religious (not in the typical sense). I was laughing, crying, jumping, laying, rocking back and forth and just doing irrational things – all because of this album. It’s so good. Beautiful.

My favorite has to be Shake It Out I think, even though it had been released as a single before the album came out, it still touches me to the core. It’s such a celebratory song, telling me to get rid of all negativity and just rejoice.

So, I guess that it’ll work as Tune of the Day CXLVII.

(I’m sorry I just can’t choose any favorite line so I have to post every word)

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Deflower and abandon.

So I had a couple of dreams last night, and I thought I’d document them since I haven’t done that in a while. But as I feel my heartbeat quickening, I have a feeling that I’ll regret writing about one of them because I’d rather forget that one.

It took a while before I could remember the first dream, probably because the second one made such a strong impression. So apparently, I lost my virginity last night. Or I guess I should say, my subconscious virginity. I’d been close to doing that once before. I think it was during the summer, it was pretty late in the morning but I was fast asleep (no school to keep you from sleeping in), and Michael Cera was just about to pop my cherry when…I got a text message. From this one. Yes, my dear old friend the Subconscious Cockblocker (I should just call you S.C. from now on). Yeah so anyways, this time it was Taylor Lautner who got cast as the cherry-popper. At least I think we went all the way. I dunno it was implied, like a PG-13 movie. It’s funny how some things are left out in dreams because my mind has no idea how to conjure that image, I don’t have any experience to draw inspiration from. All I can remember is that he was panting a lot and that I was on top. Now that I think of it, I don’t even think that we finished. Oh my God how sucky am I at having sex dreams?

Yeah so that was kind of funny. But then I woke up at 5 am and decided to force myself to sleep again…bad idea. Fucking horrible idea actually. I had a proper nightmare. I was in a huge mansion in the middle of nowhere, it was literally just beige sand as far as the eye could see, and I had a bunch of friends over for a pre-party. Everyone had changed into their “party clothes” except me and I was like: “Wait for me!” The bathroom was occupied, so I was like banging on the door and shouting that I need to change. And then the bathroom was empty and I went in to change. While I was changing, I noticed that the walls were of glass and outside was a girl with black glossy eyes and blood pouring out of her mouth. I was terrified and ran out to find that everyone had left. Then I realized that I didn’t have my contacts in and my glasses were in the bathroom. This time, there were two girls outside, staring blankly with the blood staining their white dresses. Once again, I was horrified and ran out. This time, I could hear that there were a bunch of people in the next room and my mother appeared. I asked where my friends were but she just answered: “They left.” and went back to the crowd. As soon as she left, everything turned dead silent and I felt this painful pressure in my ears. All the windows shattered and everything turned black.

I really hate my mind sometimes.

Happy birthday, dear blog!

Hello readers,

today this thing right here turns two years old. It’s crazy how I’ve managed to keep it for so long, especially considering that this is my first real blog. I’m going to be unrealistically optimistic and hope that I have it until I’m old and wrinkly. Imagine having an old IO, writing about the mysteries of death when she’s close to reaching it. That would be cool.

Anyways, so I decided to revisit my first post, and boy oh boy did I have me a good laugh. That version of me is such a child compared to the one that I am today (I’m not saying that I’m an adult now, but geez I was a baby). Clearly, I was overzealous, taking the idea of writing what’s on your mind without any second thought too literally. You have to admire my naivety though, I really was very excited to be writing like that. Of course, I didn’t have in mind that other people had to be able to read it as well. And by read it, I mean understand it. Every single sentence is still clear as day to me, but it’s such an excerpt from my mind that without context (really not given here at all), I would imagine that it’s just nonsense to others. I mean MASH, secret societies and a Legally Blonde reference all in one post? I must have been out of my mind.

And another thing, that I could write an entire post about in itself, is my signoff. Up until June, that would make it seven months, I ended pretty much every post with the letters “LSATYD”. Hmm. That would be Life Sucks And Then You Die. Really? I mean, okay it was taken out of my favorite book at the time (yes, I was a twihard and I still am a little bit. Come at me brah), but still – really? I can’t even remember if I actually thought that, or if I was being a little (hah!) melodramatic because was life was so boring back then.

I think I’m going to read some more of my old posts, learn something new about myself. It’s funny how we realize things about ourselves that could have been really useful at the time, but it’s like a gazillion years later and too late to be useful. Oh well, I guess learning something new about yourself is useful no matter what time.

LPATYD (Life Pwns And Then You Die)

Lips, red as blood. Hair, dark as night. Bring me your heart, my dear dear Snow White.

This looks amazing, I can’t wait for it to come out. I love fairy tales, and I love modern takes on old stories. And it’s a huge bonus that Kristen Stewart has the lead role. Oh, and that it’s the same producer that did Alice in Wonderland. It’s safe to say that my expectations are pretty high.

Lord Byron.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow’d to that tender light          
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair’d the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o’er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek and o’er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,  
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

She Walks In Beauty

I can’t for the life of me remember where I heard it first, but somehow it stuck, and when I stumbled upon it a second time – déjà vu.