Helena.

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I remember how it took you down, as the winter turned the meadow brown.

Tune of the day CXLII.

I don’t want the summer to ever end. Can I have my invincible été now, please? Okay, so it has to. It will. Soon. Well, can I at least be assured a nice fall? A bearable winter? No? Alright then, I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

The door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us
Footsteps follow, down through the hollow sound, torn up

And you will go to Mykonos
With a vision of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made

How did any holes in the snow tipped pines, I find
Hatching from the seed of your thin mind, all night?

And you will go to Mykonos
With a vision of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made

Brother you don’t need to turn me away
I was waiting down at the ancient gate

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today

I remember how they took you down
As the winter turned the meadow brown

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today

When I’m walking brother don’t you forget
It ain’t often you’ll ever find a friend

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today 

 

Hurt.

I haven’t felt this way all summer, and I haven’t missed it at all. This heavy rock pushing down on my chest, filled with ugly, dark emotions. I hate this so much. The loneliness tugs at me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s causing it, and I don’t know how to make it go away. Fearing the unknown is as natural to humans as breathing, and this is the Unknown that I fear the most, second only to death itself. I feel sad and I don’t know why. It hurts.

It hurts so fucking bad.

Summer.

Hello.

These past couple of weeks have been fantastic. I’ve had this amazing job, spending some quality time with one of the few non-living things I love – books. I had fun every day, and learned a few things from my supervisor. I saw the last HP film, which was the epitome of bittersweetness. Mostly sweet though. I’ve been to a festival, which was one of the craziest experiences I’ve ever had. It included seeing some awesome bands, crying at a few concerts, dancing with strangers, moshing, and laughing at silly things…like seeing someone you used to consider to be pretty bland fucked up. And I mean really fucked up. Just generally living in the moment. Oh, and what might be the biggest thing – I’m getting a tattoo. Well, I’ll have to wait six months, but it’s happening. Which is bigger than getting a tattoo would normally be. Because I never do these kind of things. Things that aren’t neutral, things that can’t be taken back. I feel like I’m improving. At least I’m trying to. And trying is the first step, right?

But there’s still something missing. There’s a void, and I keep telling myself that I should be focusing on me, and let the other stuff come later, but it’s easier said than done. I thought that the summer would make me forget him. That the infatuation would fade when the “object” was taken away. I think that it had the opposite effect. Which is bad. And good. Or I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to see when ordinary life kicks in again. Maybe this is a good thing. In any case, I’m going to focus on the here and now, and try to really enjoy my life. Because I know that I’m really lucky to have it.

Xx.