I fell behind on my nightly four-course meal of rainbow pills.

Tune of the day CXXXIX.

I love Say Anything, and I love this song. It feels a little schizophrenic, like three songs in one, which is a good thing. Oh, and also, it’s about being in a mental clinic. What’s not to love about that? Although I’m feeling kind of bitter about everything that has to do with Hayley Williams right now, her part is awesome.

Oh, do you remember me? is your mind that worn?
We both were born to be one with that which the public scorned
Though you were forlorn in despair with your drugs and your hardcore porn
Trust me, those days won`t be mourned
So lay your head on me

Letter to Heath.

Dear Heath,

is it okay if I call you Heath? Or do you prefer mr. Ledger? I guess it doesn’t matter now. It’s all semantics. And I really love your name, I always have. Well, at least ever since I read Wuthering Heights for the first time. So, Heath…this is extremely difficult. And obviously very odd, but for some reason, I felt like I have to do this. I have to write you, a complete stranger that I’ve never even been close to knowing, a stranger that isn’t even in this world anymore, a letter. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve seen all of your movies. I’m not going to act like your performances on the silver screen saved my life. No, it’s not like that. To you, I’m just another insignificant, little human on this planet with billions of people. One tiny human who happens to know who you are. I don’t matter at all, do I? Well, you do. For some reason, you have changed me. And I ask myself, why you? Why not one of the millions of other known people who exist? Granted, the change occurred after your…death. But still. You’re not the first person to die under similar circumstances, so why are you the one that stuck? I don’t know. There’s just something about you, a certain something that can’t be put into words. When you died, everything shifted. No no, don’t fret, this isn’t some lovesick fangirl letter. I’m not stupid enough to think that it all revolves around me. But there was a change in me. In fact, there was a change in everyone. The whole world altered. And now there’s a glitch, things are slightly off. I can feel it in the air. Like something’s missing, you know? The souls of the people who live here on the planet all flow together and form a unity, but when you died, a hole was formed. A Heath-shaped hole that left the unity a little empty, and even though the remaining souls bled out to fill that hole, there is still one soul missing, and the unity is a little less harmonious. Why did you have to go and leave us Heath? Why? I don’t know exactly how or why you died. Or, at least I didn’t. Now, after searching on Wikipedia, I see that you died of an overdose of prescription meds. That it was an accident, caused by your heavy addiction. By the way, it must be strange to still have your whole life written out on one page. Or at least your public life. I guess that your movies aren’t the only thing that helps you live on, huh? Anyways, back to the topic. Your addiction. Why the fuck didn’t you get help? I’m actually a little mad at you right now, Heath. For being so careless. But of course, that anger is mixed with guilt, because I know that addiction causes weakness. And I can’t really go around saying what you should and should not have done, because I really don’t have any idea how it is to be you. How it was to be you. So I’ll just ask why. A question that isn’t directed at you, me, or anyone else in particular. It’s a question I ask the universe. A pathetic whimper to the eerie quiet of the infinite darkness. An echo that is met with complete silence. And I know that it’s useless to ask, that there are times when we all just need to move along. But I’ve never been quite fond of that idea. To move along. I like to linger. To twist and turn the thoughts in my head until there is nothing left but dust. I’m still waiting for that to happen to the thoughts I have about you. Maybe this letter will help. Maybe not. Maybe I don’t want it to help. Maybe you’ll read this. But probably not. You never know though, right? You never know. So exactly why am I writing this? Even though your films will live on forever, you’ve clearly left us. And I can tell. I think about it all the time. I’m writing this so that you know that the planet misses you. I’m writing this to say that nothing will ever be the same without you. Ever. And most of all, I write this to tell you, Heath, named after one of my dearest Byronic heroes, that I truly do hope that you’ve found some peace over there. I write this to say farewell. Farewell, Heath.

Sincerely,

Me

Heath Andrew Ledger

★ 4 April 1979          ✝ 22 January 2008

Company Calls Epilogue

Tune of the day CXXXVIII.

It was actually pretty hard for me to decide on which version of this song I’d post as TotD, but after a little pondering, I decided that, as much as I love the original one, this alternate one – with an ‘epilogue’ suitingly added to the title – is my preference. It’s sad, and beautiful. My heart sighs.

Synapse to synapse, the possibility’s thin
I’m dressed up for free drinks
And family greetings on your wedding
Your wedding
Your wedding date
The figures in plastic
On the wedding cake
That I took
Were so real

And I kept a distance
The complications cloud
The postcards and blips through fiberoptics
As the girls with the pigtails
Were running from little boys wearing bow ties
Their parent bought them
I’ll catch you this time

Crashing through the parlor doors
What was your first reaction?
Screaming, drunk, disorderly
I’ll tell you mine

You were the one
But I can’t spit it out
When the date’s been set
The white routine to be ingested inaccurately

Synapse to synapse
The sneaky kids had attached beer cans
To the bumper so they could drive
Up and down the main drag
People would turn to see
Who’s making the racket
It’s not the first time

When they lay down
The fish will swim upstream
And I’ll contest but they won’t listen
When the casualty rate’s near 100%
And there isn’t a pension for second best
Or for hardly moving

Crashing through the parlor doors
What was your first reaction?
Screaming, drunk, disorderly
I’ll tell you mine

You are the one
But i can’t spit it out when the date’s been set
The white routine to be ingested inaccurately

Dementia.

Yesterday, I saw this documentary about the elderly at an old folks home, more specifically, the dementia division at an old folks home. It was pretty devastating. Seeing these men and women be so helpless, and frankly lost, kind of broke my heart. And it made me think. These people have lived almost entire lives. They’ve seen, done, and been through things that I can’t even imagine, and yet, what have they to show for it now? Practically nothing. Every relationship they’ve ever had – gone. Some of these people didn’t even remember their children. Think of all the wisdom they’ve gained over the years, only to have their minds be reduced to a childlike state. We live life, and make mistakes, thinking that it will make us stronger and smarter, but if there’s a chance that it all turns to dust in the end, what’s the point? Who’s to say that I will carry on what I’ve learned today, and all the days I’ve lived before that, tomorrow? To think that everything can disappear is very frightening. But I guess that it’s another thing that proves that you have to live for today. Enjoy the crazy rollercoaster that is life. Take every lesson to heart. Appreciate every moment. Because you, mind or body, might not be here tomorrow.

Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine.

Hi.

As you might have guessed, school’s over and I’m free. Finally, after all those, dark, seemingly endless hours of school, it’s done. So what have I been doing to celebrate my newfound freedom? Well, pretty much nothing. I’ve spent the past week, save for one day, doing nothing. Just moping around. It’s like a post-school depression. Except that can’t be right, can it? No, I think it’s the fact that I’ve been so used to having to do stuff that I just turned into brainless goo once I had the chance to do whatever I want. But I think I’m over that funk now. I’m bored, and I want to make the most of my summer break, because I know that I’ll regret it majorly if I don’t. Oh, and since I’ve (obviously) got the time, I’m going to get my shit together and update more often. Might give me something to look back on and reminisce about during the coming winter. Yeah, so anyways, I’m ready for the summer now. Woho. Or whatever.

Tune of the day what the fuck ever…alright, CXXXVII. Can’t be that stand-offish. It’s a classic, and it’s hella catchy. Kind of like I want my summer to be. But in a period of time, and not song, way. Yep.

Open up my eager eyes, ’cause I’m (in my case) Ms. Brightside.

Writings on my skin.

Good evening fellow earthlings,

as you’ve probably noticed by now, I have a particular fondness for tattoos. In other words, I love them. There’s just something about having your skin marked with something personal, a message that you can choose to show the world, or keep private, a reminder that’s only for you to see. And it’s forever. This is usually the most off-putting part for people, but that’s actually one of the things I like the most about tattoos. Forever. I love forever.

So, one of the dreams I have in life is to get a tattoo. Well, a couple, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Though it’s a definite desire I have, I’ve never thought of it as something I’d actually do. Why, you ask? The most current reason is that my mother wouldn’t approve. She doesn’t have anything against people with tattoos, but doesn’t approve because of the whole “honor your body, for it is your temple” thing (which I absolutely agree with, but obviously, tattooing would be like decorating and celebrating that temple). I know this may sound trivial, but remember that I’m still a minor, and mommy’s rules go. However, I am turning eighteen this year. Becoming an adult and all that stuff. Which is bull, because we all know that you don’t actually magically grow up the moment you turn eighteen, and your parents don’t automatically let go. But the real reason is probably that I’m too chicken shit. There are two kinds of people in the world: dreamers and go getters, the latter being the upgraded version of the former. Unfortunately, I have not upgraded, and ideas in my mind rarely leave the mental drawing board.

However, there’s nothing wrong with dreaming, it is the first step towards becoming a go getter. So let’s dream a little, shall we? Let’s say that I am actually getting a tattoo. What would I get? As much as I love the idea of having beautiful artwork on my body, that doesn’t really feel like me. At least art in the form of images. What feels like me? Art in the form of words. Words, words, words. I live for them. I love reading, writing and living by words. And honestly, I feel like I’m better at writing what I feel than saying them out loud. I found this website with the prettiest font I ever saw, so here are the words that I would probably choose if I were to get tattooed right now, in the following style as well:

This sentence kind of summarizes my life in the most beautiful way. I spend most of my time thinking about what the meaning of life might be, and even though there’s no way I’ll know the definite answer, I strive to find everything I can that may make my life more than it is. Even though this is my clear intention in everything I do, I sometimes forget that. When things get scary, I simply choose to do nothing, missing what could be, instead choosing to remain where I am. Which is an okay place, but nowhere near where I want to end up. So this would be a great reminder. Another reason for me wanting this quote is that I first read it in Looking for Alaska, by John Green, which is, along with The Catcher in the Rye, my favorite book. And even though my life will probably change and I’ll read plenty of other books, some that may be better, this one will always be the one that changed me, like all things do, but in a way that I feel was so necessary for me. It opened my eyes, and my mind, and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

If the first one is a reminder of what I want to achieve in life, this one is a reminder of what I have, and what I will need to find it. Even though you hear them all the time, it’s so easy to forget these things. Faith is something that is extremely important to me. In fact, to all human beings. Even if it necessarily doesn’t have to mean faith in the religious sense. Personally, I do believe in God. I believe there’s someone out there looking after me, even though it might not feel that way all the time, and I want to be able to remember that. Always. But, equal in importance, I also want to be reminded of the fact that I mustn’t lose faith in myself. And I can’t lose faith in humanity either. Even when things are looking dark. Hope isn’t something I have to be reminded of to have, because even in the worst situations – we always feel hope. Even when we feel hopeless, we have hope. The reason for me wanting that word is because sometimes, I forget to acknowledge that hope. When things feel shit, I still have that feeling of hope, but I need to put that feeling front and center, because with hope comes strength, and with strength – you can do anything. And lastly, love. Love is everything. Love is the most beautiful thing in this world, and if you have love, the rest might not come automatically, but it gets a heck of a lot easier to go find it.

Actually writing out these reasons makes me want these words on me even more. See? I told you that I’m better at writing what I think than saying it…maybe even better at writing than actually thinking it. I don’t know. I might get them tattooed. One day.