Will you let yourself let go? Let go.

Tune of the day CXXXVI.

All day, my insides have just been boiling with all these feelings. The feelings brewed, just becoming bigger and bigger, threatening to spill over. I didn’t know what to do, where to begin. And then this song came on shuffle. I exploded. Everything that had been stirring inside of me just came out. All because of this song. This one song that I had almost forgotten. This one song that is perfect in every way. And that’s why it’s the tune of the day.

Safe little house, safe little friends
Safe little thoughts to keep you safe
From all those big bad wolves that eat you up
Safe in your room
Safe as a tomb
Sleep in a coffin made of glass
It takes a big facade to hide the cracks

Can you make this last
Cause now I’m not so sure
Are you up to the task?
Sometimes the sickness is the cure
You’re searching so hard
You’ve lost yourself

Does it help to pray as you’re wasting away
Like a silver screen cliché?
Cause after all we’re actors on a stage
Will it help you to wait for the moment to break
Is it real or is it fake?
All we are just chapters on a page
Cause after all we’re actors on a stage

Here in the now, shedding the doubts
They’ll be no past or future tense
Regrets a waste of time and plans will change
Oh, some for the worst
Some for the best
You know you can always get your way
So worried about what’s next
You lost today

Can you make this last?
Cause now I’m not so sure
Are you up to the task?
Sometimes the sickness is the cure
You’re searching so hard
You’ve lost yourself

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Oxymoron.

Disappointment. It stings.

I saw you today, for the first time in over two years. I’d gotten glimpses of you a handful of times, but this was the first time we really met. During these two years, I had done everything that I could to get over you. To forget you. I tried my damnest to convince myself that nothing would happen. That I was too good for you. That there wasn’t anything I could do to change your mind. To change your feelings.

It just wasn’t meant to be.

And I managed pretty well. With time, the memory of you, of our times together, became less vivid. They faded, like most do, and I started to think that it was just a crush. That I was young and naive. That I had matured. Gotten over it. Whatever that means. And then things changed.

I started thinking about you again. Wondered how you were, how life was going, and what you were doing. I found it a little strange that I was suddenly so concerned for your well-being, but wrote it off as just caring about a childhood friend. How stupid I was.

I looked forward to seeing you today. I thought that maybe we could start over as friends. Because you really are a great person, and a wonderful friend to have. I was sure I’d grown enough in the past couple of years to be able to handle it. But then I got there and that familiar feeling came back. That special kind of anticipation that only you could excite.

When you entered that room, every ounce of strength and resolve I’d gathered during those two years crumbled. Your mere presence turned me back into the pathetic mess I once was. When you nonchalantly addressed me, pointing out how long it’s been, the butterflies spread a jolt of electricity through my body. And when you hugged me, I clenched my eyes shut and took a deep breath, savoring the short moment of warmth. Even though you’d changed, your voice now a deep baritone and your stature towering over me, you were exactly the same.

It was all exactly the same.

The night was spent in the utmost disappointing way. Like it’s always been. We played the same cat and mouse game where the winner was whoever cared less. And I felt like a fool, because I was the one pretending while you genuinely didn’t care. I think that’s what hurt the most. The fact that I was such a wreck, and you wasn’t. Like it’s always been. You stayed a couple of hours and snuck out without saying goodbye. Leaving me shocked and shaken. The same old routine. 

And what sucks the most is that I’ll do it again the next time we see each other. I’ll be so stupidly happy to see you, disappointed to see you leaving so soon, and hate myself for letting you get to me. Again. You were my first. And I’ll never have another you. So I hope you’re happy with yourself. Because I’ll always be here, whether I want to or not. Waiting.

Breathing.

As I drag my feet tiredly, further marking the path I’ve walked my whole life, I think of nothing – my mind not a blank sheet, open to the world, but a torn one, tattered and worn with all the erased thoughts. I walk with my head facing the ground, hanging heavy with the labor of living. I watch, but don’t see. Until something cuts through my vision. A sharp flash of light.

I stop and stare. Little water puddles reflecting the sky. Like little shards of heaven, fallen to the ground. Seeing the clouds down instead of up, such a bizarre sight. I reach down to touch them, to feel the soft smoke puffs of white ghost through my hand. Instead of dry, I am met with wet. Instead of pure, I am met with soil. The illusion shatters.

An invisible stone of reality hitting the mirror of possibilities. For a moment, I am sad. A light breeze runs through my hair, making the strands waltz around my face. I look up and smile, seeing the endless sky, intact and complete. It gives me hope. Hope that the summer is on its way, bringing the gift of breathing. Oh, how I miss breathing.

Note: This <- is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

I’m waiting for the final moment you say the words that I can’t say.

Tune of the day CXXXV.

Just read the words. They matter. A lot. The melody is a bonus. An all around lovely song.

Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through
Into a bolt of blue
It’s no problem of mine
But it’s a problem I find
Living the life that I can’t leave behind

There’s no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won’t set you free
But that’s the way that it goes
And it’s what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don’t know what to say
Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for the final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say

Inadequacy.

It all came tumbling down. Everything that I had managed to surpress. Everything that I had finally smashed into that little, dark chamber in the back of my mind. Everything came crashing.

All because of one, stupid thing.

Not the entire world on my shoulders, but one thin, sharp needle pressing down on my heart. A pathetically weak hand that turned the knob and opened the door with hardly any effort at all. And that was it. Everything came flooding back to me and nearly knocked me off my feet. Every ounce of insecurity I’d had came back. The feeling of inadequacy made a bitter homecoming, ten times as strong as it has ever been. And anxiety, my old friend.

Oh, how I haven’t missed you.

I can’t afford to fuck this up. So why did I fuck it up? Why did I do so horribly one time? And most importantly, why should it matter? I try, with all my might, to close that chamber door. But it’s impossible. The thoughts are already too far away. Front and center. Why can’t I do anything right?

Will I never get to rest?

Will I never taste the fruit of my labor? I’m not sure I can take any more of this. I’m so tired. So incredibly tired. Of the pressure, the demands, the responsibility. I’m so tired of the expectations. I’m tired of feeling like nothing I do is enough.

Inadequate. My middle name.

Blade Runner.

Yo.

These past few weeks have been strange. They haven’t been bad and there’s some things that definitely have been good, but overall, it’s just been strange. It’s my head. Well, actually, my mind. It wanders places. Places I didn’t even know existed. Places I don’t know what to make of. Sometimes, I just catch myself and go – what the hell was that? I’m confused. Very confused. But in a good way. I think.

Anyways, to more concrete topics. Yesterday, I saw Blade Runner, featuring Harrison Ford. A crazy sci-fi future flick from the 80s. Cool story, cool settings, cool outfits. You know you got yourself a gem when, after the movie, you ask: “What happened to the unicorn?” Yeah, I never said it was a more normal topic. I really liked the film. It was cool. And Ford’s facial expressions alone were enough to make the movie get my approval. Very cool film indeed.

Daryl Hannah as Pris, in Blade Runner (1982).

Rhyming to pass the time.

I was just sitting and listening to some music when Little Lion Man (by Mumford and Sons) came on shuffle. Not thinking, I scribbled down a line and then just continued writing rhyming sentences. Fun little game when you don’t have anything better to do.

Weep little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start.
Just admit it, you forgot how it was to play the part.
Even though you secretly stayed up all night making a chart.
What used to taste so sweet and right is now nothing but tart.
Take your wounded pride, push it away in your sad, sad cart.
Darling, you knew you were lost when you saw, barreling towards you, that abominable dart.
So hurry little lion man, before it’s too late, run and save your heart.