Spring Break.

Hello everyone,

just thought I’d tell you about all the things I’ve done these past couple of days. This is my spring break (thus far), in a short manner, in no specific order. I have…

  • Made a summer playlist with over a hundred songs on iTunes.
  • Intended to visit a couple of museums with Succumb, instead ending up doing what we always do.
  • Bought nail polish that I later noted are the colors of each Powerpuff girl. Oh, and midnight blue as well.
  • Painted my nails in one of the colors mentioned above. Bubbles’, I guess.
  • Argued with Mother over whether I actually have the color of the sky on my fingers. Needless to say, I was victorious.
  • Baked the vegan equivalent of apple pie. A rather delicious equivalent, I might add. This was done while listening to earlier mentioned summer playlist.
  • Taken a bubble bath with the songs from So Wrong It’s Right (by All Time Low) playing in the background. Not very relaxing, but that wasn’t really what I was going for.
  • Made myself a tumblr. You can find it here. Effectivizing (dunno if that’s a real word, but don’t care) my blog browsing.
  • Ordered a white lace dress, along with two of my absolute favorite high-waisted jeans from Topshop. I eagerly await my package.
  • Spent my nights huddled up with my laptop, watching movies I’ve always wanted to see, but never had the time to. Including, but not limiting to, Adventureland, 500 Days of Summer and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The last shocking the bejeezus out of me.
  • Sat in a park with a friend, soaking up the sun and listening to the Xx. And Florence + the Machine of course.
  • Taken photos with my beloved Bellamy (the iPhone).
  • Played ballerina, flailing around in the living room.
  • Dreamt of a certain someone.
Granted, I have more than half of my break left, but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve accomplished these past few days. Tomorrow, I’m heading into the city, and the day after that, I’m taking my precious god-daughter to see some sort of animated film. I’m definitely going to paint some eggs as well. Easter time and all. And I have to throw in some meat-eating around sunday as well. No big deal. It’s not like I’ve been living as a pseudo-vegan the last month and a half. Yeah, so that’ll be fun.

Oh, won’t you do me the favor, man. Of a giving mind.

(Little note: I’m making a music category where I’ll put all the song’s I’ve posted. Easier to navigate.)

Tune of the day CXXVIII.

Because it’s painfully accurate.

I’ve done myself an impossible crime
Had to paint myself a hole
And fall inside
If it’s far enough in sight and rhyme
I get to wear another dress
And count in time

Insecurities.

What I wouldn’t give to have it all taken away.

Just for one moment. To not feel that dark void, nothingness weighing so heavy. To look myself in the mirror and not see the sad, pathetic pools of darkness staring back at me. To be able to live, carelessly, without that black raven sitting in the back of my head. The constant picking, making my head ache. To not feel like the monsters gleefully stomp down the sparks of hope, coloring my entire world a gloomy shade of grey. Constant picking. Words that cut through self without mercy.

Slash. Slash. Slash.

Leaving my soul tattered and bleeding. Making everything hurt. Making it feel like this is the only alternative for me. My fate. To always lead a washed out life, marred by myself. To exist, without living.

Pick. Pick. Pick.

The raven, unnecessarily reminding me, telling me that I mustn’t forget that this is how it’s meant to be. That I’m supposed to feel this weak. My head is throbbing, an unbearable pressure is hindering me from thinking about anything else.

Don’t worry Raven, I won’t ever forget.

Pools of darkness staring back at me.  Tired. The blank expression of someone who’s lived with this her whole life. Apathy merely a weak facade, a thin wall that holds little strength.

Crash. Crash. Crash.

Tears blur my vision as I break down. Frustration and bitterness runs down my face, leaving streams of cold on my cheeks. Pools of darkness in the mirror. Now with a single, tiny spark of emotion. The face of someone who feels. The sparks, trampled down by the giants, rise and dust themselves off. Making the monsters shrink. I see the hint of a light, giving me hope. Hope for a better self.

Pick. Pick. Pick.

The black bird reminds me of its presence. Letting me know that it will never go away. Oh, how I wish it would go away.