Ritual.

Hello,

The day before a concert usually goes about the same way every time. The day is filled with preparations, both mental and physical. First, it’s thinking of what I’m going to wear. This may sound superficial, but concerts require a certain type of clothes. The outfit has to be comfortable, un-fuck-up-able, and still feel concert-y. Next, it’s packing my bag with everything that might be needed, without making the bag too heavy. Then it’s taking a shower and fixing my hair so that it too is un-fuck-up-able. The last step is getting prepared mentally. This is done by listening to every song created by the band on repeat. Again. And again. And again.

This is where I am now. Tomorrow is the day I’m going to see White Lies live. To hear White Lies live. I’m so excited I don’t know what to do with myself. My hands are shaking and my body is buzzing with excitement. As I hear the words “This is bigger than us.” blast through my ears, I feel like I want to cry. This is bigger than us. I’ve loved this band for three years and finally the day has come. This is huge. I want to put this feeling in a bottle so I can open it up when I’m having an off day, but I can’t. Writing a post is the next-best thing though. I guess this is a new part of my pre-concert ritual. Writing about it the day before. And I’m going to write about it the day after as well. Holy fuck. I’m overwhelmed. But so happy. Oh, I’m so happy I could cry.

Love & White Lies

I’ve found where you have been, and I know it won’t be long before we are found again.

Tune of the day CXIII.

Another one, because I really want it to be up here. Even though it brings me pain.

We’re moving slow, passing accidents
And we’re singing to the ambulance
Saying oh my God, I don’t care about the car
And oh my God i don’t care at all

I follow you.

Tune of the day CXI.

I feel like it’s been a while since I posted these, which is just wrong. I mean, without music, who am I? Yeah, I don’t want to find out. Anyways, this song is wizard. When it comes to Lykke Li, I have clearly been proven wrong. I thought she was just some over-hyped artist who thinks that she’s so much better than everybody because she has all kinds of cred on the indie scene. I now see that I was focusing on the image instead of the important part – the music. Even though I still think that she seems a little full of herself, her music is good. Like, really good. And when I love the fruit of her labor, the outcome of her creativity, the art of her mind, how can I not love her a little too? I love this particular song because it’s so solid.

Be the ocean where unravel
Be my only, be the water and waiting
You’re my river running high, run deep, run wild

A highly fascinating organ.

Left brain: I am the left brain. I am a scientist. A mathematician. I love the familiar. I categorize. I am accurate. Linear. Analytical. Strategic. I am practical. Always in control. A master of words and language. Realistic. I calculate equations and play with numbers. I am order. I am logic. I know exactly who I am.

Right brain: I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free. I am passion. Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feet. I am movement. Vivid colors. I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. I am everything I wanted to be.

For a car commercial, this feels pretty…irrelevant. I love the concept nonetheless. The brain is such a fascinating organ. It’s this beige lump of spongy substance and in it, everything that makes us who we are is stored. Without a brain, our world wouldn’t exist to us. Nothing would exist. I read somewhere that all the information we get is stored in the brain. It’s just right there, the hard part is just bringing it forward – remembering it. Imagine what we all have inside us, so close, yet so hard to reach. And imagine that the brain not only stores all the information that you decipher, but also controls your every action. The brain is in charge of everything, and it’s organized in a very complicated manner. When you think about it, we are completely dependent on our brains. Fortunately, the brain is a part of ourselves and we don’t have to constantly fear that it will let us down. Even though it’s a definite possibility. A common occurrence, actually. But we don’t blame our brains for our mistakes, because we know that it’s a part of ourselves. And after all,

we are only human.

I agree, emails are underrated.

Email from Succumb to Blasphemy, sent 2011-02-23, 7.45 pm.

When I picture the Future Phemy, I see a very educated woman someone who’s very involved in cultural and artsy stuff. You’re a writer, but at the same time, I picture you with this own… not clinic, because that’s sounds very, like, I dunno. Just not a clinic. I see you as this woman who has sort of like a home for kids who are in a bad shape. Like, it’s some sort of sanctuary for them where you help them and talk to them. Sort of like a psychologist, I guess. Haha, is it funny that I picture you as a blogger too? Like, you write books and you write a blog. you’re probably in America. Though I’m not sure if you’re in Seattle or the state of Washington… Actually, I’m not sure you’re in a rainy place at all because I can imagine you falling in love with a guy who is very artistic (he’s probably one of the reasons why your interest in cultural stuff has evolved into an obsession) and he takes you to live in a sunny ass place, hahaha. Kids? In my imagination you have one at the moment but going on two, hahahaha. xD

Also, you’ve probably been to Mexico a gazillion times and helped kids who are really messed up and your Spanish skills have blossomed and now you’re fluent in the language!! Oooh, and then you help several families move to America and you help even more families who live in the southern part of America to learn how to speak English and you help to integrate them in society.
 
And when you’re old, you look back on your life with happiness and weightlessness. With the love of your life by your side!
Haha, oh I’m so cliché.
Hugs, chicalitamita!
 
This put a huge smile on my face and I’m sure you can see why. The life of my dreams. It’s nice to know that you have a friend who knows what you’re about. Oh, and also, a home for troubled teens would be heavenly. I’d feel like my life has a meaning. Maybe one day…

Unhuman.

You make me feel like an animal. You make my inner beast, that I didn’t even know existed, come out. I am clenching my teeth, biting back a growl, for you. And you are completely unknowing. I hate her. I hate her for wanting you. I hate her for pursuing you. You are mine. You make me want to possess you, and I hate that. I hate feeling rage and jealousy stirring in me. Such ugly emotions. What I hate the most is that you aren’t mine, not even a little bit. Not at all. But I want you to be. And I need to make you see that. I have to act. Fast.

Morning in the blue monster.

Face down, I’m immersed in an unsettling storytelling that leaves me on edge. Frighteningly intrigued.  The old, blue monster is giving out a mechanical laugh as it passes stop after stop, only halting to let the humans get to the desired destinations. Not having a final destination itself. The monster laughs at the soulless beings for being so caught up in getting where they want that they don’t stop and see what’s around them. It is a loud laugh. A sad laugh. I sit inside the blue, destinationless monster. Immersed in my book, not minding the mechanical sound or the hushed speaking in foreign tongue of the asian woman on the phone in front of me. I’m at a particularly unsettling part of my book when the sudden laugh of a child startles me. Already being on edge, the irregular sound makes me flinch in surprise. Looking up, I suddenly remember my surroundings. I see people around me, all in the same space, but in different worlds entirely. I look out the window, riding backwards as the scenery passes me in a velocity that is too low to make the images blur, but too high for me to decipher anything specific. I am blind to what’s coming ahead, only seeing what has already passed. When we reach my stop, I remember what’s waiting for me at my destination. My stomach clenches as I feel the anxiety creeping in from my sides, settling in the depths of my core. As the old doors open, I take a deep breath, stand up, and walk out of the old, blue, destinationless monster. Hearing only a loud, mechanic laugh behind me, becoming more and more faint as I walk towards my destination. Preparing to face my demons.