Just a hunch

I just had a strong feeling that something particular is going to happen tomorrow. Something that has to do with the photos I’ve taken with my phone. Such a strange thing to predict, but it just came to me. I just wanted to write it down here so I can’t write it off as silly imaginations tomorrow. We’ll see what happens.

How is a raven like a writing desk?

Poe wrote on both.

You gave me roses and I left them there to die…

Tune of the day CIV, a song that’s been playing practically every second this weekend. If not in my ear buds, then in my head. It’s kind of perfect in every way.

These days I haven’t been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye  

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I’d go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing that I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

Sometimes, as I’m lying in bed, trying to sleep, I imagine that an unknown number calls.

When I pick up, I hear your voice saying “hi”. I imagine just giving a deep sigh as I realize it’s you. Then I imagine asking you how you got my number, and that you have some long explanation that sounds unreasonably complicated. Then I imagine myself telling you everything, how I really feel. And then I imagine us just spending the night talking about anything and everything. From the things we like to the things we don’t like, our stories, our thoughts. Just enjoying hearing each 0ther speak. Then I imagine whispering: “I’m really glad you called.” And you answer: “me too” and I smile, not only because of your words, but because I can hear the smile in your voice as you’re saying those words. I imagine us talking until I hear the birds chirping outside my window, talking with slurred voices, heavy eyelids and lazy smiles. I imagine us slowly drifting to sleep, with the phones still to our ears. Eventually, our conversation about anything and everything turns into hearing each other breathing heavily through the phone. I imagine not being able to stay awake anymore, and falling asleep with a smile on my face.

Useless.

Feeling alienated has to be the worst feeling in the world. Like you don’t belong. Feeling irrelevant. Like everyone is in on the big joke except you. Like they are all having a fun night while you sit at home, all alone, watching reruns of sitcoms you don’t even find funny. Like no matter how hard you try, it will be of no use. Like it is useless because the reason for them having a fun night and you watching not-funny sitcoms has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that they have the money and the clothes and you don’t. Like you know that if they’d only give you a chance, they would see that your personality shines so much brighter than the ones having a fun night, because all they do is laugh at stupid things. And it is the personality that matters, right? Right. That’s why those bleak, immature people are having a fun night while you’re sitting at home, all alone, watching reruns of sitcoms you don’t even find funny.