Seriously Kicks, what is up with the Zorro-mask? You never seize to confuse me…astound me…amaze me. And why in the world would you colour your hair? I mean it looks good like this, like really good, but it was perfect the way it was…you are perfect the way you are. I just wish that you’d notice me, maybe not the way I notice you, but just notice me at all. Every time I think of you, I have to chastise myself, it’s so, so wrong. You’re taken, you’re older and you barely know I exist. It’s seems that my brain, or rather my heart, is too fucked up to care about those things. The thing that really frustrates me is that my brain doesn’t seem to want to process (and accept) the fact that you’ll be leaving soon, I only have a little over a month to see you and then you’ll be out of my life forever. That’s why I, instead of feeling giddy and joyous, feel really fucking bitter and heartbroken when I see those pristine, white hats. And despite all of this shit, somewhere in my heart, I have hope. Hope for me, hope for you, hope for us. If only you’d see me…
Tune of the day, fitting as always:
Aqualung – Strange and Beautiful
Impulsive, spur of the moment, Tune of the day II, one of my favourite songs in this world, by one of my favourite bands (earlier mentioned):
White Lies – Farewell to the Fairground
Tune of the day, a song that popped into my head today when I looked out the window and was blinded by the sunlight, in awe of the brightness of the day and the hope it brings with it:
White Lies – Death
If we suddenly fall should I scream out?
Or keep very quite and cling to my mouth as I’m crying
So frightened of dying Relax, yes, I’m trying But fear’s got a hold on me
Take the leap, and be agonized over the shit later…
Word of the day: Insomniac
As most of you probably know, insomniacs don’t sleep. It could be due to some traumatic experience, in that case it’s either a physical problem, you can’t sleep, or you have bad dreams…like truly fucked up dreams. I think I read somewhere that you can suffer from Insomnia for no reason at all as well, like a fucking glitch in the brain or something.
Imagine how fucking hard it is to not be able to sleep, it would drive me mad. When I can’t sleep, all I do is think. Christ, think about what those people have to think about. If the lack of rest wouldn’t break me down physically, it sure as hell would fuck me up mentally. Yeah, there are pills, but obviously something’s wrong with you and I honestly don’t think that you should drown the symptoms. Fortunately, there’s probably psychiatric treatment involved in all of those cases, so the person’s completely cured. But still, what if it’s not due to some experience? If it’s purely a physical thing. I would be so freaking frustrated that I’d have to ruin the only peace I get with fucking medicine. That’s not even sleeping, that’s getting knocked out. It’s like artificial rest, you don’t get the bags under the eyes, but your mind is still a jumbled mess. At least, this is what I imagine it’s like. But ofc, I can’t really know, since I don’t have any personal experience. It’s obviously a serious issue. To sum this shit up: Insomnia seems to be a real fucking pain, and that’s an understatement.
Tune of the day, to fit in with the theme:
The Perishers – Trouble sleeping
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
Tune of the day:
Nirvana – Smells like teen spirit
Fuck up like there’s no tomorrow…
I found my diary that I wrote during last year’s summer break. It was kind of a failure since I only had written like three days or something, that’s me in a nutshell: always starting projects, but being too fucking lazy to follow them through. Anyways, the diary’s from barely a year ago but it feels like the voice is an entirely different one from the one I have now, have I really changed that much? The girl who wrote those entries feels so young, it was very optimistic and almost naive in a way. Suddenly, I feel so old. I feel hardened. Is it possible that this was the year that I grew up? I feel like I’m ruined, like the beauty of my childhood has been corrupted and twisted into this…mess. But at the same time, I feel more…enlightened? I don’t know. It just feels nice to know that I know a bit more about reality now. I still don’t understand it, and I don’t think I ever will, but at least I now know that there is something to be understood. In the diary I wrote that I had a feeling something was going to happen, and that my life was going to change. The tone of the words was light, hopeful of a brighter tomorrow. Now I wonder, has everything changed? It feels like nothing’s changed, yet nothing’s the same.
Tune of the day, taken straight from one of the pages of my dear (short-lived) diary:
Silversun Pickups – Lazy Eye
Seize the night, let there be light…and all that other deep, philosophical, existential shit.
Hello my non-existent readers,
guess what I did today? Cue awkward silence, crickets chirping etc. I finally saw Alice in Wonderland today! I know it’s weird that I haven’t seen it before now, since I’m like completely obsessed with everything Alice-related, but I’ve saved myself since I promised my childhood friend that I’d see it with her. Yeah, anyways…So, what did I think of it? I FREAKING ADORED IT OFC! I wouldn’t have accepted anything less, what with it being produced by the genius that is Tim Burton and all. Not to mention the fact that this blog practically is a Wonderland shrine. I saw it in 3D, to get the complete effect, and it honestly was like…I don’t know, like an eye-orgasm that lasted for an hour and like fifty minutes. It was so awesome! The whole thing was so visually pleasing, everything from the effects, colours and omfg don’t get me started on the clothes. I don’t think the way I feel about this movie is healthy. I mean, I could write an entire separate rant on the Cheshire cat alone. And fuck, the Mad Hatter! Big Aw-factor there, and gosh, I got so many fanfic ideas with Alice/the Hatter. I literally started laughing out loud when I realized the patheticness of my thoughts. And another random thought, Johnny Depp friggin’ rocks at the Scottish accent, and he really pulled off the bipolar thing beautifully. I thought that the girl who played Alice was perfect for the part, she had that kind of unreal look and actually knew how to act, which is surprisingly rare for unknown actors. Biggest what the fuck moment of the film was when the Hatter broke into some kind of surreal, wacko dance. That made me laugh my fucking ass of and it also made me love the movie ten times more, cause at first it’s like “What the fuck was that? Do they know how nutty that looks?”, but then you realize, it’s Wonderland, ofc it’s fucked up, and then you’re like “That is freaking genius!”. As if that scene wasn’t enough, later in the movie, Alice breaks into the same dance, sans head-spinning, and then it just looks like some fantasy version of a crip-walk. Did I mention I love this movie? And I had the perfect company to watch it with too, every time me and my friend meet up we become like two giggling three-year olds. It’s like I’m stoned, I find the most stupid (I was about to write stupidest, hee hee) things hilarious. I’m pretty sure the world hates us when we’re together. But it’s fun, all the same. So…I liked the movie. Yah.
Tune of the day, that kinda matches the feel of me and my friend when we’re together: fucking silly…and awesome:
Weezer – Buddy Holly
Tune of the day, to follow the theme of the previous post:
I’ll be your man, I’ll understand
And do my best to take good care of you
You’ll be my queen, I’ll be your king
And I’ll be your lover too
Derry down green Color of my dream
A dream that’s daily coming true
I tell you
When day is through, I will come to you
And tell you of your many charms
And you’ll look at me, with eyes that see
And melt into each others arms
And so I come to be the one
who’s always standing next to you
Reach out for me, So I can be the one
who’s always reaching out for you
Van Morrison – I’ll Be Your Lover Too
I was tied, but now unbound
My head is off the ground
For a long time I was so weary
Tired of the sound, I’ve heard before,
The gnawing of the night time at the door,
Haunted by the things I’ve made
Stuck between the burning light and the dust shade.
I said now I used to think the past was dead and gone,
But I was wrong, so wrong, whatever makes you blind
Must make you strong, make you strong,
In my time I’ve melted into many forms
From the day that I was born, I know that there’s no place to hide
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light,
I was broken, For a long time, but It’s over now.
Yes and you, and you,
well you walk these lonely streets that people send, People send.
There are some wounds that just can’t mend, I do pretend, pretend,
I am free from all the things that take my friends
But I will stand here till the end, I know that I can take the moon,
In between the burning shade and the fading light
I was broken, for a long time, but It’s over now
I was broken, for a long time, but It’s over now.
I Was Broken, written by Marcus Foster.
I just wanted to tell you about a little gem I randomly found while wandering in the library. I was scanning the shelves and saw a title that sounded interesting, the book was called Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time. The name of the author was Rob Sheffield, who I (for some reason) knew was a journalist for Rolling Stone Magazine. I picked up the book and decided to give it a chance, since it had two of the things I live for: Love and Music. Well anyways, I read it…and I freaking loved it. He writes with a genuine feel of nostalgia and you really do feel like you were there with him, like you really were a music-enthusiast living your youth in the 90s who didn’t think very highly of yourself and just got your world turned upside down by a girl. One thing that made me fall in love with it is that every chapter is based on a mix tape he, or someone else in his life, wrote. Imagine all the stories he is able to tell, based on the memories attached to the songs. You see, the book is a memoire, so you know everything in it was really lived and felt by someone. When I read some of the things about the girl he loved, I actually cried. Maybe it was the simplicity of the way he described it, or the fact that I knew that it was real, or maybe I’m just an over-sensitive fool, I don’t know. I just got it. Because when Rob lovingly describes Renee, I fall in love with her to. I fall in love with the way he puts her on a pedestal, her entire being coloured by his love for her. This combined with the obvious flashback made me fall in love with this book. And I will buy it, cause I’d be stupid not to. So, summa summarum, you should read it…really. Read it, and you’ll be touched too.
Tune of the day, by a band Rob saw for the first time with his Renee. They were amazed and, let me tell you, I am too.
Pavement – Spit On A Stranger
Peace, love and fucking music… the meaning of life.