Sad, blue eyes and an I-don’t-give-a-shit-attitude

Hola peeps!

Today, I’m going to tell you about a creature (well it’s actually just a boy, but all the same) that has come to consume 99% of my precious thoughts. It all started with the first day in high-school, which was in this august btw. I sat in the classroom, eyeing my new study-buddies, and the teacher says the inevitable line that I have been dreading for every first encounter I have had with a larger group: “I thought we could get to know eachother by playing the name-game! Wouldn’t that be fun?”. I am sure the entire class simultaneously gave a huge mental-groan. For those of you who don’t know how the name-game is played (lucky bitches), i will explain it. The first person says his or her name and the person next to her/him has to say the person before’s name and then tell the class his/her name etc. So you have to remember a fuckload of peoples’ names, which is unneccesarily hard. So there is always those awkward moments when you forget one person’s name and have to sheepishly ask what it was, then, you will inevitably forget the next person’s name and it goes on and on. But ofc there is like three, overly enthusiastic people who will concentrate real hard and remember every single name, and then when they are done they get this big shit-eating proud ass smile silently screaming “Look at me, I am so perfect, I remembered ALL of your names. We will be best friends!”. To which I automatically shoot a look that says: “Look at me, I have a big gun in my hand. I will blow your brains out if you give me that obnoxious smile at me ONE more time. Do you still want to be my friend?”. And yes, I have very communicative eyes. So, anyways, as if that game wasn’t hard enough the teacher just had to make it harder by adding that we should share something about ourselves. I mean, how the fuck can you expect someone to remember a fuckload of names when they are going to babble about their favourite colour or some shit as well? Luckily, I only had to go after like three people or something so I didn’t have to embarrass myself too badly. So I said my name and muttered some lame shit about me liking the colour blue. The game continued and then it was some dude’s turn that I couldn’t see, when he started to speak I froze. His voice was unlike any voice I had ever heard, it was so smooth and raspy and I-don’t-give-a-fuck all at the same time. That’s when I really started to pay attention, I craned my neck (unashamed) to get a view of him and was met by a pair of clear, blue eyes. At this point the only thing I could think was HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! That’s when I knew I was doomed. To make things worse, when it was his turn he said: “I’m ****** (you didn’t think I would tell you his name would you?) and I don’t really like anything”. Motherfucking swoon was what I thought at that moment. We have to give him an alias, because I can’t really mention his real name. We’ll call him…Heathcliffe, because that is one evil swoon-worthy man and I don’t want to call him something cheesy like Mr. X like those lame I’m-so-chic-and-experienced-girls. So anyways, I thought that if I could figure Heathcliffe out, I would definetly lose interest, because that’s what I do. I have a really short attention-span. But that’s where the problem lays, several months have passed and I still haven’t figured him out! He just seems so private, and I know that there’s something deep beneath the surface. He seems like he’s going through the motions but not really feeling them. And he seems like an observer, like me. He watches life, he doesn’t live it. The thing is, he could just be a boring guy. But we had to write a deep essay about someone, and he got an A. So did I. I just have a feeling that maybe he could understand me like no one else does, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m overestimating him. The thing is, I am not helping things in the “Figure him out” department. I haven’t really tried to get to know him, and he is pretty much the only one in the clsss I haven’t talked to. I don’t do this because I know I’ll fall deeper if I do, and I’m pretty certain I don’t have a chance at getting him anyways. He is way out of my league. He probably thinks I hate him since I avoid him all the time, but I wish he could know it’s quite the opposite. I like him too much. But on the other hand, sometimes he seems so sad and I just want to help him. Like maybe no one understands him either? But I don’t know, it’s probably just wishful-thinking. But I am not giving up on figuring him out, and I will probably write about my new discoveries here, since this is the only place I have where I can really vent.


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